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Eagle Minded
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Jonse wrote:It's a very long story, though whenever I try to involve people in it, it goes awry, so I won't bore you with the depth of it. Just a lot of different elements of compounded social anxiety, internal stress, pain, a very type of apathy that isn't quite depression or apathy and a self-imposed meticulousness that has hindered not my creative process per se, rather my ability to accept or be okay with something as I once was as it often no longer feels challenging or exciting.

It's good to hear your creative process has not been hindered, though that's understandable as you seem to not think you have depression.


Jonse wrote:Besides that, I live somewhere I don't belong, surrounded by people I don't understand and it's not as though my remaining family here is exactly understanding either.

That can be really frustrating. I am utterly incompatible with the culture and people where I live, but I don't want to move and leave my family. I do feel like I am drifting further and further away from them, though. And my career will never go anywhere here.


Jonse wrote:Add a friend dying, a dog dying,[. . .]

I'm very sorry to hear that.


Jonse wrote:[. . .]several relationships of different types dying with the last of them being one I needed to make yet am by no means happy with and it hurt me (I would say "as much" though she didn't very easily see it was for the better) as it did her, no different than every other breakup I've initiated, which has been mutual once or so and then every other time me making the phone call or statement; only had about 5 I'd consider "real" in my life though it's still four times too much that all broke into relentless tears and considering how much I tend to hurt, I can't imagine how they feel, which even in the case of someone who totally lied to me in so many ways still had me think "wow, I'm a complete asshole."

Do you engage in self-evaluation? It might help if you started to consider in more depth your behaviours in relationships and how they might affect your partners.


Jonse wrote:Anyway, that I've got...I don't know, three? Three people, possibly four people in the world who will actually talk about it all that really know me and care is the gist of why I feel that way. A close friend from Melbourne I used to talk to nightly from about 2009-2015 as the result of insomnia recently came through the US via LA and although he's busy, I will happen to be very close to where he's staying in Manitoba soon a little later until he leaves and yet it's "yeah, I don't really see how it'll work this trip, though if you're ever in Australia..." when I asked if he wanted to meet up and get a drink or something, which I can't help but feel is my fault and that we don't talk much these days because I'm depressing or stressing to be around, something of that nature.

Well, we don't know his side of the story. He could have social anxiety he hasn't mentioned to you. He may be in a bad place and not wanting to talk to anyone. Or he may be telling the truth and this trip is just really packed for him. Give him the benefit of the doubt and just forget about it.


Jonse wrote:There is a silver lining in that I have all sorts of opportunities opening up for me. One is a novel with a willing publisher, a whole bunch are related to jobs for independent games by various developers needing anything from voice acting to music to texture work, then there's two labels of note from the ones I've been communicating with for the last three years or so I have no place being on whatsoever and couldn't be more dissatisfied with the various tracks provided as demo material they believe to be worthwhile. Music is the worst right now as I can't even release the stuff I told myself I didn't even care about that I deliberately won't copyright or reserve any rights to. Even THAT has to be perfect in some goddamned way.

Well, that sounds exciting. And even though an existential void can't be filled with things like that, it's good that you can appreciate them.


Jonse wrote:Oh yeah, and my cans broke just recently. Which were a problem as I spent at least $500 on other people around last Christmas since I often forget to get gifts each year though people give me something so I try to make up for it every other year or so by only giving and as I'm not sane without music I had to spend more of what's supposed to be dedicated savings ONLY on a new pair when I wouldn't have had to had I not given anything to anyone which is made more hilarious as I feel I still didn't give enough.

I'm like you: music seems to be important for my mental health. It's probably the only thing I have in my life close to a drug. Anyway, I don't think it's weird that you feel you didn't give enough; it's a good thing you want to make the people you care about in your life happy.

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Eagle Minded
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Hello fellow Twoists, I don't mean to interrupt anything but I had a question and I thought this would be a good thread to ask it in.

So I'm looking for this video that I thought I saw posted here a couple of years ago, Some people thought it was BOC but it was it's own thing. It was called "forest grand reopening 1989" or something like that, and had two people looking out over a pine ridge at the sunset. It had an hd vhs look to it also.

I've tried to find it on youtube but I can't seem to dig it up.
"The patience of a true enthusiast is unlimited." - Albert Camus

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Dayvan Cowboy
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rick7487 wrote:Hello fellow Twoists, I don't mean to interrupt anything but I had a question and I thought this would be a good thread to ask it in.

So I'm looking for this video that I thought I saw posted here a couple of years ago, Some people thought it was BOC but it was it's own thing. It was called "forest grand reopening 1989" or something like that, and had two people looking out over a pine ridge at the sunset. It had an hd vhs look to it also.

I've tried to find it on youtube but I can't seem to dig it up.


If no one else recalls it or can dig it up for you, if you give me whatever details you can about the video I will see if I can find it. I am pretty adept at searching for things.

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Dayvan Cowboy
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rick7487 wrote:Hello fellow Twoists, I don't mean to interrupt anything but I had a question and I thought this would be a good thread to ask it in.

So I'm looking for this video that I thought I saw posted here a couple of years ago, Some people thought it was BOC but it was it's own thing. It was called "forest grand reopening 1989" or something like that, and had two people looking out over a pine ridge at the sunset. It had an hd vhs look to it also.

I've tried to find it on youtube but I can't seem to dig it up.

viewtopic.php?f=2&t=10498
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Eagle Minded
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Genesis 9:11
Revelation 13:1
Revelation 15:1-3
Exodus 15:19-27

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Eagle Minded
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Aerial Boundaries wrote:
rick7487 wrote:Hello fellow Twoists, I don't mean to interrupt anything but I had a question and I thought this would be a good thread to ask it in.

So I'm looking for this video that I thought I saw posted here a couple of years ago, Some people thought it was BOC but it was it's own thing. It was called "forest grand reopening 1989" or something like that, and had two people looking out over a pine ridge at the sunset. It had an hd vhs look to it also.

I've tried to find it on youtube but I can't seem to dig it up.

viewtopic.php?f=2&t=10498


Thanks Aerial Boundaries! That's the one.
"The patience of a true enthusiast is unlimited." - Albert Camus

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Josh wrote:https://photos.app.goo.gl/aR56ZpFnVP4EcoQz2

I had a chance to make a quick visit to an abandoned U.S.A.F. air station located in my area. I took these photos with my phone and I'm not much of a photographer to begin with, but I thought I'd share. It's a pretty eerie place and I had to use a bit of sneakiness to get inside. Anyway, it was fun and I hope to go back again when I have more time to explore.


Very cool! Brings back a lot of memories for me because I am from MA as well and I lived right down the street from an abandoned Nike missile base. I used to explore it in various states of mind. There were these openings where the entrances to the silos used to be and there were ladders that just went down into concrete that had been poured in to block it off. So tantalizing. I wanted to get down in the abandoned underground spaces so badly!

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Happy Cycler
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What a fucking wasteful beginning of the year this has been.

I came back here in the event I don't at some point in the future. Not in a reactionary way but if I just fade away. Because the community that helped make my life better isn't what it was and I don't know if I care anymore.

I have a record ready to drop. I don't even care about it anymore. Why? I can't make it what it's supposed to be according to the feelings I put into it when I created it or finished making it the half-assed sort of "hey, let's not be angry because" palette of frustration I never voiced directly.

I couldn't release the Powernap anthology thing. HDD issues, software issues.

What do I do now? What of the material I'm not confident with do I reform into? What of that which is nearly finished or pretty much finished but not great do I correct to make significant? Profound? Fucking worthwhile? What do I DO?
Okay...now...wait for fog machine.

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Dayvan Cowboy
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Jonse wrote:What a fucking wasteful beginning of the year this has been.

I came back here in the event I don't at some point in the future. Not in a reactionary way but if I just fade away. Because the community that helped make my life better isn't what it was and I don't know if I care anymore.

I have a record ready to drop. I don't even care about it anymore. Why? I can't make it what it's supposed to be according to the feelings I put into it when I created it or finished making it the half-assed sort of "hey, let's not be angry because" palette of frustration I never voiced directly.

I couldn't release the Powernap anthology thing. HDD issues, software issues.

What do I do now? What of the material I'm not confident with do I reform into? What of that which is nearly finished or pretty much finished but not great do I correct to make significant? Profound? Fucking worthwhile? What do I DO?


From my own personal experience self analysis and self-evaluation/criticism can get to the point (and quite quickly, depending on personality) where reaching any sort of objective truth or accurate evaluation isn't going to happen.
Maybe you should take a step back and put more faith in the opinions, regarding your work, of folk you respect? You mentioned in another post, I think, that you had a record label and a publisher interested in your music and writing? That's a pretty big deal, maybe go with their opinion and see what happens?
Maybe it's too early or close to judge yet whether the work lives up to the emotion you put into it and consider the possibility that the connection could become clearer with time and perspective?
Just some thoughts.

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Happy Cycler
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I'm always trying to. Music has just become something that has to be what it need be or I'm not comfortable with it.

The book thing will happen first, as I've not been doing it as long, and I've finally figured out how to end it by means of an additional short story that conveys the ending's events from an antagonist's perspective (necessary as there's something regarding a more important character than the nameless narrator of the first book in what I intend to write as a series who the narrator cannot articulate as he's killed mid sentence and there's no afterword), that ending being something I struggled with forever until getting Chinese with my mother who kinda-sorta recommended that solution by means of comparing it to a Stephen King novel, as she's a huge fan who read Carrie in high school and has loved him since (myself, no so much).

I fear though that once it happens, I'll feel the same way I do about music, where at first it was "I just want to establish myself as having released something", no different than anyone else, turned "Oh shit...now I've got to compete with musicians." That I don't mean in a literal way but more in the sense that the work now has to be of the same merit and quality in its aim (can't predict it'll achieve it) as the artists I have loved and looked up to over the years. Though I put more time into my first novel than I did what I consider my first record, so either way if that happens I'll perhaps feel it's not as distant.

Anyway, thanks for the response.

I put a lot of faith in the opinions of people I respect, waaaaay more than I do myself, as such it's problematic when you're not sure who you respect anymore or if they ever had any respect for you. This is not just people but those who feel my work has value. It hasn't been a label, it's been several, two I feel nothing but "I do not belong here" which I suppose is normal though I can't force belief. I am vocal. I've become less concerned about withholding how I feel. Though I'm not positive when whoever I'm speaking to is.
Okay...now...wait for fog machine.

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Dayvan Cowboy
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I've never 'released' any art as such, but I have for the best part of three decades had an interest in how art (of whatever kind) is created - rather than personalities, it's the thing that I'm drawn towards in interviews, biographies and so on.
One remarkably consistent theme is how artists re-appraise and view their work very differently down the line from how they did at the time of creation, another is that most would refine their work forever given the opportunity and have to either put a full stop on it themselves, or let someone else do it, either for their own sake, or for the sake of the art.
Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide, it's pretty exceptional , lifetime ambition stuff really, to get to the point where you have finished a novel and album(s), never mind to the point where publishers and labels are interested.

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herxagernsurn wrote:
Josh wrote:https://photos.app.goo.gl/aR56ZpFnVP4EcoQz2

I had a chance to make a quick visit to an abandoned U.S.A.F. air station located in my area. I took these photos with my phone and I'm not much of a photographer to begin with, but I thought I'd share. It's a pretty eerie place and I had to use a bit of sneakiness to get inside. Anyway, it was fun and I hope to go back again when I have more time to explore.


Very cool! Brings back a lot of memories for me because I am from MA as well and I lived right down the street from an abandoned Nike missile base. I used to explore it in various states of mind. There were these openings where the entrances to the silos used to be and there were ladders that just went down into concrete that had been poured in to block it off. So tantalizing. I wanted to get down in the abandoned underground spaces so badly!


Thanks! That missile base sounds like a cool place to visit.

Here
phpBB [media]
is a video shot recently of the Truro base that shows the inside of some of the abandoned homes that I didn't go into. There are actually quite a few vids on YouTube made by people that have explored the place more thoroughly than I did.

Telepath
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An alt-right/ethnic-nationalist political party with ties to American white-supremicist (FVD, Forum voor democratie) is gaining traction in NL. Any other dutchy feeling the anger with me?

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Dayvan Cowboy
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Not Dutch, but NL was top of my list for an escape route if the UK went to shit, so I share your anger. Fuck these parties wherever they turn up.

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I'm Dutch, and although I couldn't care less about politics because of the futility of it, I can see why people feel anger towards these kind of parties. But at the same time I can also see why people actually root for or join such a party. It is all based on fear, from both sides.
"I do actually believe that there are powers in music that are almost supernatural. I think you actually manipulate people with music, and that is definitely what we are trying to do."

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Happy Cycler
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Took a break from social media. Went back. Think I'm taking another, very, very long one. Cupz is absolutely right about its pointlessness. Just a gauntlet of melodrama and when I think possibly I've done the right thing, I've done the wrong one, to people I care about no less ultimately because of the responsibility I accept that I suppose I've always used it as more of a joke and people use social media with their actual names and everything for communication purposes. Then they give up on you a second after they try to care because you didn't give the correct answer out of what's apparently a multiple choice quiz.

And I don't care or mean this about particular people at all anymore. Those who know me a bit I would hope know how I feel and that I wouldn't ever resent them. But I've learned that trying as hard as you can through text to own up to your actions without letting your spine become rubber nor the truth bodes well and there's nothing to say to anyone who won't hear it for what it might be. There's no low/high road with social media and no sense of self and no real sense of selflessness. Pity.
Okay...now...wait for fog machine.

Telepath
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Yes, get rid of it. Spend that free'd up social media time with friends instead! (like me)

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Happy Cycler
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I don't know man.

I will but I would have sooner if you'd perhaps taken the moment to have my back when I needed it. Not out of a concern to put you into an equally dramatic situation though rather as someone better understood that can articulate what I was going through.
Okay...now...wait for fog machine.

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Eagle Minded
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I don't use social media, either. I'm not really a social person. I've stopped hanging out with all my friends in real life, too. I just got to a point where it didn't matter to me anymore. I hope things turn around eventually, tho.

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Dayvan Cowboy
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I'm starting to believe in the Occult more and more every single day. Not from an edgy teenage atheist wanting to perform a mock ritual perspective but from one of an increasingly concerned twenty-something wondering just how much of the foundation of certain hierarchies are actually rooted in occult practices.

Does anyone here have any experiences with the paranormal?

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