Jonse wrote:It's a very long story, though whenever I try to involve people in it, it goes awry, so I won't bore you with the depth of it. Just a lot of different elements of compounded social anxiety, internal stress, pain, a very type of apathy that isn't quite depression or apathy and a self-imposed meticulousness that has hindered not my creative process per se, rather my ability to accept or be okay with something as I once was as it often no longer feels challenging or exciting.
It's good to hear your creative process has not been hindered, though that's understandable as you seem to not think you have depression.
Jonse wrote:Besides that, I live somewhere I don't belong, surrounded by people I don't understand and it's not as though my remaining family here is exactly understanding either.
That can be really frustrating. I am utterly incompatible with the culture and people where I live, but I don't want to move and leave my family. I do feel like I am drifting further and further away from them, though. And my career will never go anywhere here.
Jonse wrote:Add a friend dying, a dog dying,[. . .]
I'm very sorry to hear that.
Jonse wrote:[. . .]several relationships of different types dying with the last of them being one I needed to make yet am by no means happy with and it hurt me (I would say "as much" though she didn't very easily see it was for the better) as it did her, no different than every other breakup I've initiated, which has been mutual once or so and then every other time me making the phone call or statement; only had about 5 I'd consider "real" in my life though it's still four times too much that all broke into relentless tears and considering how much I tend to hurt, I can't imagine how they feel, which even in the case of someone who totally lied to me in so many ways still had me think "wow, I'm a complete asshole."
Do you engage in self-evaluation? It might help if you started to consider in more depth your behaviours in relationships and how they might affect your partners.
Jonse wrote:Anyway, that I've got...I don't know, three? Three people, possibly four people in the world who will actually talk about it all that really know me and care is the gist of why I feel that way. A close friend from Melbourne I used to talk to nightly from about 2009-2015 as the result of insomnia recently came through the US via LA and although he's busy, I will happen to be very close to where he's staying in Manitoba soon a little later until he leaves and yet it's "yeah, I don't really see how it'll work this trip, though if you're ever in Australia..." when I asked if he wanted to meet up and get a drink or something, which I can't help but feel is my fault and that we don't talk much these days because I'm depressing or stressing to be around, something of that nature.
Well, we don't know his side of the story. He could have social anxiety he hasn't mentioned to you. He may be in a bad place and not wanting to talk to anyone. Or he may be telling the truth and this trip is just really packed for him. Give him the benefit of the doubt and just forget about it.
Jonse wrote:There is a silver lining in that I have all sorts of opportunities opening up for me. One is a novel with a willing publisher, a whole bunch are related to jobs for independent games by various developers needing anything from voice acting to music to texture work, then there's two labels of note from the ones I've been communicating with for the last three years or so I have no place being on whatsoever and couldn't be more dissatisfied with the various tracks provided as demo material they believe to be worthwhile. Music is the worst right now as I can't even release the stuff I told myself I didn't even care about that I deliberately won't copyright or reserve any rights to. Even THAT has to be perfect in some goddamned way.
Well, that sounds exciting. And even though an existential void can't be filled with things like that, it's good that you can appreciate them.
Jonse wrote:Oh yeah, and my cans broke just recently. Which were a problem as I spent at least $500 on other people around last Christmas since I often forget to get gifts each year though people give me something so I try to make up for it every other year or so by only giving and as I'm not sane without music I had to spend more of what's supposed to be dedicated savings ONLY on a new pair when I wouldn't have had to had I not given anything to anyone which is made more hilarious as I feel I still didn't give enough.
I'm like you: music seems to be important for my mental health. It's probably the only thing I have in my life close to a drug. Anyway, I don't think it's weird that you feel you didn't give enough; it's a good thing you want to make the people you care about in your life happy.