Story of a song I made in middle school and the MS Estonia

[Flory]

Just like my satellite feed post in the playground this is also a post from CoHost reposted here. Thought it would be interested to post here since I actually was on the forum around the time I made this song. If anyone was interested in an insight on how I was when I first joined and my mental state feel free to read. It kind of is related.



Back from 2018-2019 I used to make music. I had wanted to for years before but never could figure out how to use DAWs like FL Studio or Abelton. My poor middle school brain could not understand how to navigate all the menus and short cuts, let alone music theory and how composition is done. It wasn't until right at the end of middle school that I started to learn how to make some sort of weird proto approximation of what is traditionally considered "music".

Instead of figuring out how to use traditional DAWs I just went with what I knew at the time, Audacity. And it would be the main and only "DAW" I would ever use to make music at all. It didn't help that until 2019 my main pc was a dell workstation from 2008 running on Windows 7 with 4gb of ram. So when making music on Audacity I would have to close every other program that was running at the time. Another thing was to save projects almost after every other change due to the frequent crashes.

Either way the song in question that I made (Onia) was one of my first songs that I ever made that I was seriously ever proud of making at the time. In short it's a nearly five minute ambient piece I made with nothing but samples I recorded using my phone's voice recorder. Then using those recordings putting them through FX hell with reverbs and paulstretches along other weird tricks to make sounds that I thought would fit what ever I was trying to make at the time. The main glimery drone sound is actually some sort of ad hoc melodie I made on my grandma's piano that went through like 4 levels of reverb, paulstrectching and speed changing. I don't even remember how I even made it in order. The entirety of Onia is built upon this one drone slow melody like sound.

Here is the song below.

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When I first heard the drone sample I knew specifically as to what meaning Onia would have. It was a story and idea I had in my mind for perhaps a year at the point and resonated with how I felt and what my outlook on life was like at the time.

On September 27th 1994 a major tragedy for the Nordic countries would devastate the masses not only within the domestic countries involved but also at an international level. The MS Estonia would capsize and sink within a time span equivalent to just short of 30 minutes due to the front car loading bay door falling off due to mechanical fatigue and subsequent failure. Only 137 of the 989 passenger on board survived the incident. There was no official warning and or order to evacuate to the lifeboats until it was too late. Most stayed trapped inside the ferry. Those who did manage to evacuate to the outdoor decks were left with only but themselves to figure out how to navigate the completely abrupt and unimaginable situation of getting off the boat safely and surviving the cold waters of the Baltic Sea. On top of that it must also be mentioned that this was very late at night in the midst of a huge storm with rain pouring practically sideways.

Nobody to help you, only you on your own admits a situation of incomprehensibly insane proportions.

When I first made this song I had an idea as to what it meant to me but was never able to fully convey what I meant or felt into a specific coherent explanation. But over time I have been able to understand and quantify the thoughts and feelings that I resonated with the meaning I gave to it at the time.

Before High School I had practically no self esteem. Barely had any deep friendships or even any sense of belonging. In a way I felt less then human due to specific circumstances at school that I would not like to delve into due to personal reasons that can really just be summed up with having autism. But in short I felt practically worthless with no potential for a fulfilling future. That after primary education I would probably end up in jail or dead. (Keep in mind I was literally in middle school so allot of my thoughts were practically irrational.) But this is how I felt and viewed myself at the time, regard less of how true they actually were in retrospect, it was true to me at the time with my limited understanding of the world and mental development at the time. The following is the meaning I gave to the song at the time.

WARNING!!! A BUNCH OF MIDDLE SCHOOL DEPRESSIVE THOUGHTS!!!

Spoiler: show

The song in essence represented to me a sort of extreme unprecedented, yet calm and reassuring resolution to the at the time inescapable cycle of pain and misunderstanding that I had experienced at the time.

I would imagine myself having been traveling alone on the MS Estonia on the fateful night, hear the bay door violently sheer of the bow, and would immediately travel up to the top outdoor deck of the ferry. By then the ferry would have already reached a list of about 20 something degrees and it would be extremely obvious that something had gone completely wrong and that the boat won't be afloat for much longer. So overwhelmed with the shock of the situation instead of trying to find a life boat or life jacket I would instead just mount myself onto the white guardrail next to the lifeboats. I would imagine myself being on the side of the ferry that was sticking out of the water, thus balancing myself between the hull and the deck floor. The rain would be so strong that I wouldn't be able to hear anybody else or even see anyone else. A sense of true loneliness, just as I had experienced in real life in school. But instead it would be a peaceful in a way. Because I would fully be aware that this would be the last time I would ever have to endure the emotional pain of the never ending mundane life. Even then it wouldn't be like anyone would understand what I felt at the time. So better just be alone with my thoughts, just looking forward towards the bow with white bright lights shining onto the deck whilst it flickers due to the flooding of the generators on the engine deck.

I had so desired to escape the pain and monotony of ordinary life at the time. And this tragedy would in my weird middle school twisted mind have given me a sort of release from that painful condition of sorts.

An event beyond comprehension or warning. So stimulating and full of sensation, yet instead of fear it is merely a sense of aww and intrigue. Having never experienced such a life impacting event, even with the obvious trauma at the time it would at the least to my middle school mind been a sort of extreme change and liberation from the painful repetitive cycle of misunderstanding and isolation.

Knowing that this would be it, this is all one will ever need to worry. There is no escape from this sinking. But it's not like you wanted to live a supposed life of continuing and growing despair and pain. Better to just let it naturally end in a natural manner. So just sit and endure in silence. Witness and be in aww of the immense calamity of tragedy. The sound of rain so loud you practically can hear nothing. Thus left to nothing but your own thoughts. Wonder about what amazing things could come after this is all over. All the new beginnings. All the liberation that may just very well come in what ever lies beyond this narrow experience in life. There has to be more of course. Life can't just be a constant state of worry and worthlessness right? There must be a sense of self fulfillment and value in their. Sure, people naturally aren't happy all the time, but at least a sense of purpose and value. That I for one was not just a neurodivergent statistic of disconnection from understanding and social interaction in this wide vast world that felt just so unreachable at the time. That I would forever be a disconnected lol-cow of sorts unable to understand others, while at the same time not being understood by those from the outside. Merely the play things of others for there own selfish shallow enjoyment and nothing more. I sensed that I was much more even then, but allas it never felt as if it would ever manifest into something much more bigger and beautiful then all just trapped within my brain.

So just let it be. Slip beneath the waves and become merely a number on a Wikipedia article. Be remembered among all the others. Your bad choices and mistakes all swept under the rug, all that remains is a name engraved on a memorial stone in some park somewhere in the world. That is all that I would ever be remembered as, not like I thought I would have been remembered any more fondly or deeply if I never did make it through the ordeal. And in exchange I would get to finally be free of what ever isolated and undeserved life on earth I had. Finally able to feel what others commonly took for granted. To be wanted, truly.

A sudden violent whiplash to ones life, yet a peaceful resolution to the whiplash that was life anyways. Accept the fate and sink down low. There will be a better quite soon.

WOULD LIKE TO EMPHASIZE THAT THIS WAS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL!!!! I NO LONGER FEEL LIKE THIS AT ALL!!!

Of course I was very young and wasn't really able to feel much love anyways. So deep in a delusion of worthlessness and pure bane on existence that I wasn't even able to feel the love of my parents and one or two friends of the time. No matter how much they cared I just wouldn't feel it. I didn't believe it was genuine. More forced to supposedly make me feel better. So please do not worry. I am much better and to this day and am seeing help. Much better state then long before, not perfect or even passable. But not completely debilitating at the very least.

I didn't really choose a artist name for myself. I first chose "Shapes are Flying" but then quickly changed to "Liquid Amp". Just thought those two words contradicted each other at the time being. Water and electricity being the worst mixes of things you could imagine.

The song name is of course just the three first letters of Estonia removed (est ONIA).

This is a future edit of the song from 2019. All that is different from the 2018 one is that the vocal sample that repeats and stretched is of the captain of the MS Estonia declaring mayday. That is all.

And finally, if you put the song through a spectrogram you can see that the odd alien sounds at the end is just a visual representation of the MS Estonia sinking.

I once made a music video right at the same time I made the 2019 edit but for the love of god cannot find it. I last had on me like a year ago but I seem to have misplaced the file among the countless hard drives I have. Oh well, maybe it's still out there. It was just a mix of videos of the MS Estonia when it was operational along side video from the Zero Hour Episode "The Sinking of the Estonia" of which made up a good chunk of the music video.

To anyone who read all of this I very much appreciate your dedication to read through all these old half buried thoughts of mine from a time long past. I recognize that practically almost nobody will relate to this odd set of thoughts, but thought if someone out there did, at the very least it would be assuring that they were not alone. But this is very much super charged uranium 235 radiating autism.

Thank you for your time.

-Chox