Depression

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Dayvan Cowboy
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rodox_head wrote:Open question to anyone:

What keeps you going? What gets you out of bed in the morning and reminds you the day is worth fighting through?


I'm pretty excited about life these days! I wasn't always. I used to post alongside others in this very topic about the same feeling - what's the point? what does all this amount to?
- for one, I was in my teens and early 20's. that's hell for most people :) and I think a lot of people find themselves asking this same question, regardless of how unique we our experience feels
- for another, a lot of what we may see as "western civilization" can actually be kinda soul-sucking! there's only so much one can do at any given stage of life. but you're always in control of your responses to it (even if your options get artificially limited)
- I grew up pretty emotionally neglected - largely just me and my mom, and my mom had her own stuff going on, which resulted in me spending most of my time alone (and on the internet, playing video games). turns out there's a LOT of emotional validation you're supposed to be getting during those years!

some dear friends helped me realize I was avoiding my emotions (even though I felt SO DEPRESSED so much of the time!)

a combination of things helped:
- slowly pulling away from the things that I was using to escape reality, escape myself (largely video games and music, now enjoyed more healthfully)
- THERAPY!
- meditation, mindfulness. I'd go sit in a park and look at the water (or trees or what have you) until it felt like it was actually doing something. sometimes it didn't. but i kept doing it. small rituals
- exercise, eating better
- getting out and trying new things. allowing myself to feel too nervous to do anything. it's not the end of the world if i don't end up making a new friend or talking to anyone. it's fine. i'll try again tomorrow
- getting older! i'm about to turn 30, and life just.. feels easier!
- on that note, having solid employment. I make significantly more money than I did when I was in my early 20s. obviously that helps - there are worries that I no longer have, and mobility I used to not have. hard to describe how much that helps. it's wild.


TL;DR - thanks to the above, being alive on this earth is enough for me to get up every day and look at it. it's a journey!

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Sherbet Head
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My friends, my family, Warhammer 40,000, professional wrestling, British comedy, a fascination with obscure extreme horror movies I will never watch, discovering new music, and, of course, Zoloft. In other words, life. I lost my mother last month and I now fully realize how important the people I love are to me. If they mean that much to me, I can't imagine how much I mean to them. We owe it to each other to persist despite, or in spite of, ourselves.

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Dayvan Cowboy
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(Deleted)
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In here is a tragedy, art thou player or audience?
Be as it may, the end doth remain:
all go on only toward death.
...
There is nothing which cannot become a puppet of fate
or an onlooker, peering into the cage.

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Sherbet Head
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rodox_head wrote:(Deleted)

Are you alright?

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Dayvan Cowboy
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zeoevil wrote:
rodox_head wrote:(Deleted)

Are you alright?

Not particularly. Depression swings have been bad since I started a new job position. Watching an episode of Moral Orel brought up too many negative emotions I have yet to deal with.
Image
In here is a tragedy, art thou player or audience?
Be as it may, the end doth remain:
all go on only toward death.
...
There is nothing which cannot become a puppet of fate
or an onlooker, peering into the cage.

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Sherbet Head
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rodox_head wrote:
zeoevil wrote:
rodox_head wrote:(Deleted)

Are you alright?

Not particularly. Depression swings have been bad since I started a new job position. Watching an episode of Moral Orel brought up too many negative emotions I have yet to deal with.

Well, if any of us can do anything to help, we're here for you.

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Dayvan Cowboy
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zeoevil wrote:Well, if any of us can do anything to help, we're here for you.

I suppose I could ask the question that's been bothering me for a while:
Is it possible for feelings of rumination/regret/guilt to evolve into some sort of self-inflicted trauma? Or does that just make them a self centered jackass?
Image
In here is a tragedy, art thou player or audience?
Be as it may, the end doth remain:
all go on only toward death.
...
There is nothing which cannot become a puppet of fate
or an onlooker, peering into the cage.

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Sherbet Head
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rodox_head wrote:
zeoevil wrote:Well, if any of us can do anything to help, we're here for you.

I suppose I could ask the question that's been bothering me for a while:
Is it possible for feelings of rumination/regret/guilt to evolve into some sort of self-inflicted trauma? Or does that just make them a self centered jackass?

Well, I made some decisions in my childhood that have had ramifications for myself and others that have persisted throughout my life. They've made life difficult for me in a multitude of ways that I'd rather not share on an internet forum. So I imagine the answer to that is yes. However, I'm not a therapist. Perhaps it's time for you to make some calls and talk to someone who can help you in ways random strangers on the internet, however well meaning they are, cannot. Just know that they are people who can help you. I'm routinely amazed at how helpful and nonjudgmental my doctor has been to me.

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Dayvan Cowboy
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zeoevil wrote:Well, I made some decisions in my childhood that have had ramifications for myself and others that have persisted throughout my life. They've made life difficult for me in a multitude of ways that I'd rather not share on an internet forum. So I imagine the answer to that is yes. However, I'm not a therapist. Perhaps it's time for you to make some calls and talk to someone who can help you in ways random strangers on the internet, however well meaning they are, cannot. Just know that they are people who can help you. I'm routinely amazed at how helpful and nonjudgmental my doctor has been to me.

That's a fair conclusion. I've already made an appointment to get an assessment and referral to a professional.
Image
In here is a tragedy, art thou player or audience?
Be as it may, the end doth remain:
all go on only toward death.
...
There is nothing which cannot become a puppet of fate
or an onlooker, peering into the cage.

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Dayvan Cowboy
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Update since last post: My insurance provider referred me to some affiliate company, said they would send me some forms to fill out in a few days, going on a month and nothing. Could have been an outsourced call center from India for all I know. Thusly, I've been pretty nihilistic about things lately
Image
In here is a tragedy, art thou player or audience?
Be as it may, the end doth remain:
all go on only toward death.
...
There is nothing which cannot become a puppet of fate
or an onlooker, peering into the cage.

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Dayvan Cowboy
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Oh look, resident weirdo "rodox_head" is posting in this thread again, why can't they get their life together.

Another damned weekend goes by where Missus Self Destruct in my head keeps screaming at me in a catatonia induciing white noise. The mortality of everyone around me is dangled in front of my face every fucking week like the cosmos is just taunting me like

this loser is too chickenshit to actually end its life so why not remind it that everyone else could be gone in an instant if we say so.

The world is getting increasingly worse and more confusing by the day

Don't act like you haven't been part of the problem

You're right, and I can't take that kind of shit back, but I can't go an unscheduled day without it haunting my psyche.

No one's there to help you, you know. Just keep mindlessly consuming media until the black hole sun consumes everything in an yellow light

I don't want to do that, there's no more memories to be made, and all the others are fazing out. I'm an old person nearing the end of its life, what point is there to try and make new ones.

You don't need to make new ones, they'll do it for you. Your input is useless and you don't need an imagination, that's what they're making the robots for

Ban me if you want, I don't care anymore. I don't fit in on this site. Or anywhere. In fact, I'd say I'm a net negative to anywhere I end up anyway.
Image
In here is a tragedy, art thou player or audience?
Be as it may, the end doth remain:
all go on only toward death.
...
There is nothing which cannot become a puppet of fate
or an onlooker, peering into the cage.

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Dayvan Cowboy
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Don't you dare speak to yourself that way, don't you dare.

Please listen, this is horrible to read since it is simply not true. I don't care if this sounds melodramatic, you are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel this way.

The fact that you are even reading this, is a sign from your brain that you don't want to harm yourself, you aren't that person.
Rule number 1 is never trust anyone on the internet, but I trust you. And I trust you to stay alive. So how could I turn a blind eye when YOU are in trouble.

You can't sell yourself short. You wouldn't be seeking help unless you knew you needed it.

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Dayvan Cowboy
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Someone once told me, you can do better than this, you are smarter than this. And you know what? It helped.

This is a placebo effect working in reverse, you could tell yourself "I'm rotten, I'm horrible" and if you just keep reinforcing this, guess what? That's what you are. Today we are going to stop doing that, you and me. A clean break rodox.

When you find that you're putting yourself down, you're going to stop yourself. And you are going to correct yourself.

Instead of any of the above, stop yourself. instead say.
"I am just as good as everyone else. I really am. I may not be the best at that game, I may not be the best at that, that or that. But I know what I know, I have pretty great taste in music. And I can quote and reference all kinds of great lines, my artwork and input is appreciated, people here like me and no-one is thinking I am the Resident Weirdo."

Forget twoism.org for a moment. Take it out of the equation. Right this moment, it's just me and you. And I don't want you in this state. You ARE better than this.
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Dayvan Cowboy
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Sorry again, I don't want to feel like I'm putting words in your mouth. I just care a lot about you and I hate seeing you like this.
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Eagle Minded
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ive never been depressed, but i often find myself reading this long thread. lots of good advice :mrgreen: stay strong everybody, specially rodox
yes, i would love to be free!

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Dayvan Cowboy
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Things have been trying. A coworker of mine passed away just over a week ago. Still not really sure how to process it. Things just seem more "fruitless" lately.
Image
In here is a tragedy, art thou player or audience?
Be as it may, the end doth remain:
all go on only toward death.
...
There is nothing which cannot become a puppet of fate
or an onlooker, peering into the cage.

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Sherbet Head
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Location: Netherlands
It is the voice in your head that you constantly believe to be true, meaning that you identify with that noise-making machine, which creates all negative emotions and therefore all this suffering. It's this programming or narrative about yourself, your self-image, that totally sucks away all your life energy and can and will eventually lead to a depression.

Just understanding this conceptually is already the first step to freedom from depression, a severe form of suffering.

The next step is to practice self inquiry into the nature of your negative thinking. When you start to become the watcher or observer of thoughts, and you see that those thoughts are impermanent, meaning that they come and go, then who is the one that is watching those fleeting thoughts? Can you see that the one who is watching is always there, whatever you experience? And doesn't that mean that you cannot be those (negative) thoughts? You are not the one thinking them, they just happen spontaneously, and they want to just have a space to exist in. You can give them that loving space which they long for, by starting to observe those thoughts.

You are not the thinker, you are the one who knows the thinking process. But the thoughts itself are not personal to you. But you have to practice this experientally, because these words are also all just concepts, which is more of the same thinking, albeit not negative. These words are only pointers to this fundamental truth of what you truly are. This freedom from suffering.

I hope this resonates with you somehow. Wish you the best and may your depression find space and rest in your heart.
"What you are looking for, is where you are looking from."

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Dayvan Cowboy
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@Gazebo4
I'm curious, what is your/do you have a take on the concept of a tulpa?
Image
In here is a tragedy, art thou player or audience?
Be as it may, the end doth remain:
all go on only toward death.
...
There is nothing which cannot become a puppet of fate
or an onlooker, peering into the cage.

User avatar
Sherbet Head
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rodox_head wrote:@Gazebo4
I'm curious, what is your/do you have a take on the concept of a tulpa?


I had to look it up because I never heard of the term before. I'll reply later today or tomorrow when I have the time to answer this in a more detailed manner.

But the gist of it is that this phenomenon is certainly something that can feel very real for someone when it is believed in through conviction. Nevertheless, and I'm definitely not saying it is an easy or gentle ride, but it can be seen for the monster under the bed that is truly is. But it takes courage and determination.

I'll elaborate later.
"What you are looking for, is where you are looking from."

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Dayvan Cowboy
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Gazebo4 wrote:
rodox_head wrote:@Gazebo4
I'm curious, what is your/do you have a take on the concept of a tulpa?


I had to look it up because I never heard of the term before. I'll reply later today or tomorrow when I have the time to answer this in a more detailed manner.

But the gist of it is that this phenomenon is certainly something that can feel very real for someone when it is believed in through conviction. Nevertheless, and I'm definitely not saying it is an easy or gentle ride, but it can be seen for the monster under the bed that is truly is. But it takes courage and determination.

I'll elaborate later.
"The potential for this illness
exists in all people and, under
the right circumstances, any
man or woman would be driven,
like him, to the 'other side'.

The 'other side' perhaps may
not be the best way to phrase it.
After all, there is no wall between
here and there. It lies on the
borders where reality and unreality
intersect. It is a place both close
and distant.

Some say it isn't even an illness.
I cannot agree with them. I'm a
doctor, not a philosopher or even
a psychiatrist.

But sometimes I have to ask
myself this question. It's true
that to us his imaginings are
nothing but the inventions of
a busy mind. But to him, there
simply is no other reality.
Furthermore he is happy there.

So why, I ask myself, why in the
name of healing him must we drag
him painfully into the world of our
own reality?"
Image
In here is a tragedy, art thou player or audience?
Be as it may, the end doth remain:
all go on only toward death.
...
There is nothing which cannot become a puppet of fate
or an onlooker, peering into the cage.

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