I hope you are okay.

[Valotonin]

Thread dedicated to the human need to discuss anxieties openly without consequence. This applies to anyone of any age and the fact many people feel that when they are older they should only hold on to these anxieties internally is damaging. For therapy, please do. The boards community is a collection of some really open minded people so there is probably not a better place to be open.

[The Telepathic Kid]

ahaha

haha
ha
hahahaha

ahahahahhahahaa

I'm not okay. Ever.

[Mexicola]

I applaud the sentiment. Will link to our depression thread later when I get the chance.

[Cupz]

Everything will be ok.

[RVeldhuis]

I guess I'll start off then since I've been kinda going through a down period lately, this is probably gonna be a huge post, since I'm at work and I have time to write this.

So, back in summer my American ex-gf came to visit me, we had been together for 2 years, but she wasn't as adventerous as I hoped for, she was more of a stay inside/watch a movie on the couch kind of person, and I'd like to think I'm more adventerous, I like to go out, like to take walks through nature etc. So we spent like a month and a half together before she went back to the US in like September. Then we were back to being in a LDR. She started asking for me to give up on so much free time of myself to talk to her. I broke up with her in October.

After a couple of weeks of feeling lonely, I meet this other American girl who said she wanted to smoke with me, being the stoner that I am I say yes ofcourse. I meet her and she's fucking gorgeous. We go to a coffeeshop, we both roll a spliff, and then we go and walk around parks and the town, and we basically just talk for like 4 hours. So much common interest, so likeminded, so open minded,. We ended up talking about drug experiences, society, cosmology, all with a person I'd just fucking met. It just felt so comfortable. I talked about me just coming out of a long relationship, and she actually had the same, she broke up with her boyfriend of 3(?) years, I really was amazed about how I could meet a person that was so like minded.

So fast forward a week, and I text her late at Friday asking her what she's doing, she tells me she's staying at her grandparents house, which is about a 3 hour trip away from my place. She then asks me to come over for the next day, cause she's all by herself. I think fuck it, and I do it. That weekend had been amazing, we went outside, she took a blanket with her, we could see the sun go down while we were laying on a blanket near a river, it felt like I was on XTC the entire time I was with her. I kissed her for the first time there.

Later we go back to her grandparents house, and cooked some dinner, did I already mention she's an amazing cook? After dinner we snuggled on the couch and went to watch a movie, only thing is, we never really got to watch that movie cause we were all over eachother, like we were 16 again. We went to her bedroom, smoked some more and after that we kinda got down & dirty. No actual sex cause I did not bring a condom, I didn't want to have sex with her yet, cause after the first time I met her I was thinking that this girl is really different, and I do not want to "screw" things up with her. Still, it was fucking amazing. I just had this feeling of bliss, of insane happiness whenever I was with her, I could stare into her eyes for minutes and she'd do the same to me, till it got so intense that we basically grabbed eachother, and started making out again.

So, I'm spending more and more time with her. We were bascially together through the whole weekend, and sometimes we'd hang out during the week too. It's all so fucking surreal, she's loves to spend time with me, and that feeling is mutual. She gives me nothing but good signs, like signs how much she likes me, how much she loves having sex with me, how she loves to spend her time with me.

She's always been open to me about her relationship with her ex, and she told me that it was dysfunctional, it wasn't working out anymore, especially cause she's studying in The Netherlands right now(she has a Dutch passport as her dad is Dutch) and her ex lives in Florida. She told mee too much happened for them to ever be together again. At this time, she was still talking to him, hell she'd even Skype while I was in her house (I guess that should've been a red flag for me, but seriously I'm so fucking crazy about this girl), I took it as a sign of good faith, like she trusted me. She also told me that her ex had been in a car accident, and was struggling mentally. I could notice that whenever she was talking to him, it would drain her energy. It cost her energy to talk to keep talking to him, I brought this up at one point, and she told me that she kept talking to him cause it was is really hard for her to let go of him cause he had been such a big part of his life, "He defined what love is to me" is what she said. Plus she kept him around cause after the accident he'd been kind of suicidal and he discovered that he was lightly schizoprenic.

Fast forward to mid December, we spend a weekend together in Maastricht at her friends place. It's the last weekend we'd be able to spend together before she'd go back to the US for Christmas. We talked about her seeing her ex again when she was back in the US. I knew they'd see eachother, they're both in the same group of friends. She constantly reassuring me that I was what she wanted, and that she would tell her ex that she did not want him anymore.

So the weeks she's over in the US pass, I keep in contact with her through Skype and Whatsapp, her ex slept over in their house a couple of times, but he didnt sleep in her room. He also tried to kiss her, which I was expecting to be honest, I trust her.

So after New Years, she comes back to The Netherlands, I instantly go and visit her when she's back. We cuddle in her bed, everything is fucking perfect again, we had amazing, mindblowing sex throughout the entire day. She was screaming "I love you" while I was inside her and she was orgasming. It was fucking intense. And I thought that finally things would be the same as they were when I first met her! We spent basically the entire week together but throughout the week I can't help but notice that she does not feel as good when I first saw her when she got back.

I ask her whats wrong, she tells me she misses her family a shitload, and that she feels "alone" here in The Netherlands, which is understandable cause she doesn't live in an international city, she doesn't have a lot of friends, basically she only has friends near her house that she's met through me. I drop her off at the trainstation for her to go home(we had a party of my friend the day before so she slept at my place) and when she left, I'd never seen that sad look on her face before, she didn't look good at all.

The next week, she tells me that she wants to take a step back from our "relationship" but she'd still like it if I were to be her friend, and she still wants to have sex with me cause she thinks our chemistry is fucking amazing. She tells me that she absolutely loves hanging out with me, and that she really likes me. But... she's not over her ex yet. She tells me that she dreams about him, folding clothes a certain way reminds her of him, all of these little things in life remind her of him.

I'm thinking, ofcourse you're not over him, you've never stopped talking to him in 3+ years, how can you allow yourself to heal if you still talk to your ex regularly. Ofcourse you dream about him, ofcourse little things remind you of him, subconsciously you'll pick stuff like that up if you keep in contact with him. I've said that to her, but it's up to her what she does with it. I can't control her. I can't make her not talk to her, she'll have to make that decision herself.

The worst part of this all, is that I just feel so insecure and anxious about what's gonna happen next. I'd rather have her say that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore, even thought it'll hurt me so fucking bad when she says it, atleast I can move on that way. Atleast I'd know that I'd be able to build a friendship with her. Cause right now I'm just in this in between fase, Does she just want to have sex with me and thats it? Or does she want more? Does she want me romantically?

I know I shouldn't let my hapiness be dependant on someone else, it's just been fucking rough lately. I've seen how well things could go between us, I saw how happy she was, how happy I was when we were together. To have that taken away from you, it fucking hurts.

I've always been a thinking person, and right now, I just can't seem to think about anything else. When I'm hanging out with mates everything is fine, but afterwards I always seem to hit this low point. Music is fucking emotional too, I seem to bawl my eyes out whenever something emotional comes on. I've spent mutiple hours listening to SAW/Sigur Ros/Radiohead and just crying.

This is waaaay longer then I intended it to be, I don't even know if anyone would be bothered to read it, cause to be honest its quite alot, haha. But it feels good just writing it all out.

Peace.

[Cupz]

I read it and say, if its meant to be its meant to be and it will end like a fairy-tale. Just fasten your seatbelts for a bumpy adrenaline filled emotional part of your journey on this little planet, whatever happens. If something wrong happens, don't be devestated but be loving, forgiving, understanding, learn, and above all, try to enjoy your time crying to music as that's a really special intense and very human thing to do. Intense feelings like that is what this rollercoaster-ride of a life is all about, I truly believe that. Without it our lives would be meaningless. I hope she makes the right choice, it sounds like you have something special going on. Then again, there is allot more fish in the sea, as my dad would put it.

[jcnporter]

To be blunt, it sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it - as the ambiguity suits her it's unlikely she is going to resolve it, so you need to, soon, for your own sake. She might even start to lose respect for you if you don't.
Of course, I could be completely wrong and maybe this thread isn't so much about giving advice as just sharing without judgement. Either way, good luck and as Cupz said, treasure the experience.

[2020k]

I would have so much money if I collected a penny for every anxious thought I've had throughout my life. This is something I really, really need to work on.

Throughout the years, I could never pinpoint the way I felt, then a couple of years ago I discovered Jenny Lawson's blog and book and it really put a lot of my feelings into perspective. Granted, Lawson experiences a lot more than anxious thoughts, but it's her bravery and people like her that have helped me and really erased the stigma around mental health.

I just thought I was depressed until I realized that I've always just been overly anxious.

This thread's gonna help. Thanks for making it.

[RVeldhuis]

To be blunt, it sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it - as the ambiguity suits her it's unlikely she is going to resolve it, so you need to, soon, for your own sake. She might even start to lose respect for you if you don't.
Of course, I could be completely wrong and maybe this thread isn't so much about giving advice as just sharing without judgement. Either way, good luck and as Cupz said, treasure the experience.

I had a talk with her yesterday. We've both agreed to stop the whole friends with benefits thing as emotionally I couldn't handle it anymore. It's hard accepting the fact that those 2 months we've had were probably the only thing I'll ever get, I fucking love this girl man.

[Cupz]

It's hard accepting the fact that those 2 months we've had were probably the only thing I'll ever get.

Lucky for you that isn't true. Your life is far from over and before you know it even more beautiful experiences will manifest.



@2020k I've been in that boat. After a while I figured I wasn't even unhappy being anxious, just that I was a bit weird. That really obliterated it. The word depression gets thrown around allot, when usually all it takes is being understood, getting sober, realistic feedback by people that understand and laughter and dancing and dancing and laughter and laughter and dancing and dancing and laughter. HAHAHAHA! WHEEEEEY!

[portiss]

It's hard accepting the fact that those 2 months we've had were probably the only thing I'll ever get.

Lucky for you that isn't true. Your life is far from over and before you know it even more beautiful experiences will manifest.

Although you can't see it right now, this is probably a good thing. You can get your closure now, and focus on other things. Instead of her keeping you on a leash, and you never knowing what is going to happen next.

[Aerial Boundaries]

I find that the more I get sucked down, the harder it is to talk about it. I don't have the energy to even piece my thoughts together and verbalise them.

[Valotonin]

I find that the more I get sucked down, the harder it is to talk about it. I don't have the energy to even piece my thoughts together and verbalise them.

I am in a similar situation actually. I find it helpful not to attempt to work against what my mental state is asking of me and chronically try to verbalise through something that is close to incapable of it. Dedicating the time to finding therapeutic music or subjects of fascination. But everything seems to come in waves so hopefully you will expect a counteracting period of being fluent and seeing the softer filter on everything again. It is a temporary mindset in most situations.

[Mexicola]

Two other resources available on Twoism that I feel some could benefit from, particularly those new to the forum.

Our Depression thread

Threads about relationships, particularly break ups, here and here.
(If I get the time, I'll try and tidy these up into one place).

I'd encourage others to cross-ref relevant threads as topics arise here.

[RVeldhuis]

It's hard accepting the fact that those 2 months we've had were probably the only thing I'll ever get.

Lucky for you that isn't true. Your life is far from over and before you know it even more beautiful experiences will manifest.

Although you can't see it right now, this is probably a good thing. You can get your closure now, and focus on other things. Instead of her keeping you on a leash, and you never knowing what is going to happen next.

True, I realize that, but its just the way that she behaved around me, I really thought she was truely happy with me, I had a ton of people tell me that they could see that we were mad about eachother, and we couldn't keep my hands off her. One of my friends was actually "mad" saying that "she can't look at you like that if she's gonna lead you on". It's hard to accept that it's suddenly not there anymore after 3 weeks of not seeing her.

And yes, I'm happy about finally getting closure, cause honestly these last few weeks I've felt so insecure and vulnerable, while I normally never feel that way. I can move on now.

I find that the more I get sucked down, the harder it is to talk about it. I don't have the energy to even piece my thoughts together and verbalise them.

It really helps though, writing everything down, I feel like it clears my mind, it's really relieving to do. Normally I have thoughts about everything and I don't even know how I exactly feel. After writing it down everything seems "clearer".

[Cupz]

Writing things down does help indeed. One time I was super stressed out because of "all the things" I had to do. I wrote them down and laughed at the resulting tiny list.

[ShaneAnthony]

Lately, shit just doesn't feel the same. It's like every day it gets harder and harder just to breathe. I get so tired, yet sleep so little. Just when I think I'm coming out of it, I get pulled back in. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't seem to just live free of anxiety. I'm not even interested in making music anymore. I use to be so optimistic, I use to dream. Each day use to feel like an adventure. Now, it's becoming harder and harder to give a fuck about anything. I'm normally a very caring person, and I do care, but I'm just really tired from all the anxiety if that makes any sense.

[untitled]

Falling asleep is very hard. Waking up is very hard. People make me happy. Depression or anxiety? Who knows.

[RVeldhuis]

I never have a hard time falling asleep, but waking up and getting out of bed.... god damn thats way to fucking hard for me.

[Cupz]

I feel ya RVeldhuis. I've been battling with getting out of bed for all of my life. Even as a 7 year old kid I used to say "I'm sick, I can't get out of bed." pretty much every day, and things only got worse and worse as I got older. Doesn't really matter if I sleep 2 hours or 18 hours, smoke enourmous quantities of weed or none. I am lucky to have my gf, she's getting better and better in waking me up, and bless her with putting up with a sleeping beauty like me. (Sadly??) Its nothing physical, a few doctors pretty much totally checked me out one day, found nothing that should impair my waking like that. Waking up somehow physically hurts, though. I sometimes have the feeling it has to do with the universal importance of my dreams and they should be finished.