rodox_head wrote:louise wrote:Trade lives with me? ^^Cupz wrote:...maybe. U make music?louise wrote:no but i make a mean lasagneNegamuse wrote:It's got so many layers...
I don't think I've ever started laughing then burst into tears mid laugh until I read this.
I've been feeling maudlin today thinking about all the members I used to interact with back in 2011 or so that I feel are just essentially gone from my perspective. Or maybe I didn't really interact with them much, I don't know my own life too well. Hell, I doubt I'd ring any bells if I name dropped my old account anyway. Is it me or is there just a lot less "openness" these days?
I really wish I wasn't so scared all the time. Nothing feels "okay" these days, and things seem to only be getting worse
"RH, STFU, stop making things about yourself"
You're all good to me, Rodox.
I'm in the opposite position right now. Everything was shit and then some good things happened and I suddenly felt better.
I will say the fucking anxiety has been the main issue for me. I can't ride passenger in a vehicle without freaking out (PTSD from some wrecks where I was a passenger), I started to notice that other people notice certain things, like my dad issues, my constant apologizing, and I had to pretend it was funny and make jokes, all the while feeling like a piece of shit for doing it.
But I'm getting better at shrugging it off, and one tactic I really like now is just door-slamming people that I find to be toxic for me. It is so rewarding to mentally erase someone else. It's freeing.
But back to anxiety, I hate it, too.
I always think of a line from that movie, "The Comedy", with Tim Heidecker, where he's at a party making stupid small talk and he says, totally making shit up, "You know, they say only about 40% of the world is capable of independent thought. Everyone else is carrying baskets of laundry down to a dirty river to wash..." and he goes on.
But I latched onto that idea, that only a few of us are truly capable of independent thought. The rest are just bots or something. That helps me cope with how I feel anxious and others seem oblivious to the concept.
Anyway, I'm sleepy and rambling.
I hope you are okay. If you need anything just holler. You've been one that I always see and read, even back when I was a lurker.
Plus, you have a cool username. Rodox is the coolest fucking word in the BoC lexicon to me. That song...man...I can listen to it on a loop forever.