Depression

[Twoism-ist]

Why do I wake up every morning?

your body is saying "get up, you need stimulation from the outside world"

[Shadowshocker]

Why do I wake up every morning?

your body is saying "get up, you need stimulation from the outside world"

that's becoming a very subtle joke, watch you'll see

[jakestott]

Another sensation i currently have due to anxiety is the feeling of an insect crawling around in your scalp, so annoying! I recently came across this program called The Linden Method, which apparently will rid you of your high levels of inappropriate anxiety, panic attacks, ocd, phobias. The guy who created the program, Charles Linden, suffered from depression, anxiety, ocd, the whole lot (so he says anyway!).

I downloaded the program, and it's an interesting read, especially his own story of how he overcame anxiety. It's all drug free, and the key to ridding your anxious mind is Diversion. Learn new habbits, new memory, and bury your old thoughts. He's also done some self hypnosis MP3s, which are a few minutes long, but don't really help me, because i don't like hearing his voice, haha.

So i'm gonna take up a new hobby, maybe photography. Listening to BoC makes me feel better about things, and that i shouldn't worry over things too much. Healthy Anxiety is a bitch, and i'm gonna overcome this.

[turquoise70]

on a good day, sometimes all it takes is for me to cut off the train of thought and straightforwardly reassure myself. just think, "I'm fine. everything's gonna be fine. nothing's going to be a disaster and if something does fuck up, i'll carry on and things will be fine."

other days, that doesn't work at all, because it's not true. things are far from fine. things are very fucked up and not okay. even if my overarching situation in life has not shifted, it feels different. it's like looking at the sky, it's so far away and so big and so up there. it's not like knowing whether you'll be able to make it home without having to stop for gas or not. it's like knowing whether my life is ultimately worth living or if the best thing i could possibly do is duck out early and off myself somehow.

i do have this bit of advice to share, and i hope it helps someone: in MY experience, there is no way to out-think yourself from a real deep depression. in MY experience, only shallow, minor depressions can be worked out just by mental gymnastics or emotional argument within oneself. in MY experience, a real harsh, hard-hitting depression can only be altered - if it can be altered at all, i mean let's be honest a few people literally have it so bad they can't keep from suiciding without chemical assistance, but that's not what i mean - by a non-sequitor, a sudden derailing of the entire train of thought and mind state. it doesn't have to rationally follow anything that's surrounding you in your mental world - you just hop (i almost think of it like mood-cheating) from one state of mind into another, by sheer chance or will. i've done it intentionally a few times and a few other times, it's just suddenly happened out of nowhere.

maybe this explains why i'm so retarded all the time, i rely on total irrational non-sequitors to save me from the agony of being alone inside my own head with myself. that's my savior - happenstance and arbitrary acts of will that don't rationally follow anything - the mind as pure, stupid, blind and flailing survival reflexes.

[jakestott]

Depression runs on my mother's side, and yes, it can be real harsh to your body and mind sometimes. I used to be medicated, but completely stopped over a year ago. So now I just exercise and eat better which helps me greatly. Also staying away from certain people did some good for myself. Sometimes it feels like being associated with certain types of people will only hold you down and make you feel much worse.

I agree with 747Music. Just hold on and things will pass.

Used to exercise quite a bit, need to get back into, and i needs to eat better too! Kinda been off the rails these past few weeks, basically eating crappy foods.

[turquoise70]

i feel hopeless about the future. i have no love or affection for the life i'm living and no interest or motivation in growing it or continuing it or making it better. i'm afraid of everything but especially myself and the fact that i seem to be insane and deep bonds with other people seem to be impossible.

people tell me things like "i like you, you're cool, you're talented" but it doesn't register. those things don't constitute a reason to feel good about my life and the universe it takes place in. people tell me things like "you're fine, you're just emotional, you're comfortable and out of danger from poverty or starvation" and it doesn't register either, it's like telling someone who's on fire that there's no conceivable reason that they should be on fire.

[Pantheon]

i feel hopeless about the future. i have no love or affection for the life i'm living and no interest or motivation in growing it or continuing it or making it better. i'm afraid of everything but especially myself and the fact that i seem to be insane and deep bonds with other people seem to be impossible.

people tell me things like "i like you, you're cool, you're talented" but it doesn't register. those things don't constitute a reason to feel good about my life and the universe it takes place in. people tell me things like "you're fine, you're just emotional, you're comfortable and out of danger from poverty or starvation" and it doesn't register either, it's like telling someone who's on fire that there's no conceivable reason that they should be on fire.

Almost all of that post hits home for me. I've been suffering from Anxiety Attacks for the last 3 years. I was stupid enough not to seek help till a year ago. The 2 years that I mentaly wrestled with myself about it did more damage than good. You say that you seem to be unable to make deep bonds with other people, I couldnt agree more, i've lost a lot of friends because of this. Mostly my fault to be honnest, I was physicaly unable to return calls or go round to peoples houses, etc for most of the time. There was a period when I could stand in front of the mirror and be horrified because I felt no connection to the person I saw looking back at me, realy scairy shit.

I personaly found, the things that help the most are good friends that are understanding and give you the room to come to terms with what it is your going threw. People that wont pressure you to be or act in ways that arnt in your nature. People that truly accept you for who you are and see your worth as an individual.

The second is getting out of your current situation, take a trip with a friend out into the country and do some exploring. My favourite method of escape is to take a trip with my friend to large abandoned buildings around the city and in the country. We take photos when were out their and I take some field recordings also. The most recent abandoned places we visited was a Cemenary (monk training temple or something), nuclear bunker and a world war 2 era Village housing burn victims and people in the mental isylum. I never have anxiety attacks when on these kinds of trips, I dont know why though.

Speaking to a councelor was strange at first but rewarding after time, then I was able to speak to my closest friends about it and talking it threw realy helps.

I still suffer from them reguarly but taking a break from your current lifestyle realy helps and for me I feel the positive effects for days after. I tend to think of Anxiety as your subconsious forcefully telling you something isnt right.

[Chuck Beckles]

i feel hopeless about the future. i have no love or affection for the life i'm living and no interest or motivation in growing it or continuing it or making it better. i'm afraid of everything but especially myself and the fact that i seem to be insane and deep bonds with other people seem to be impossible.

people tell me things like "i like you, you're cool, you're talented" but it doesn't register. those things don't constitute a reason to feel good about my life and the universe it takes place in. people tell me things like "you're fine, you're just emotional, you're comfortable and out of danger from poverty or starvation" and it doesn't register either, it's like telling someone who's on fire that there's no conceivable reason that they should be on fire.

You'll feel better one day, man. All of this will pass. Remember that as bleak as your depression is now, that your mind is capable of creating happiness just as strong. It might not be easy, but one day you'll remember what it feels like to experience true joy. Try really reaching out to people, relating to them, articulating exactly what you mean. Try things you've never tried before and surprise yourself. This will at least shake you out of that rut. And that's the first step.

I used to be exactly like this. I would shut myself away from the world, feel like dying, like everyone hated me, and I felt cruelty and hostility everywhere I went. I honestly thought it would never end until I ended it myself. It took a couple different anti-depressants and some therapy to kick this state of mind, but now I am just about cured. I feel like I deserve to be happy now and I take action to make it happen, something I didn't even understand before. I don't blame myself for all those ugly years of my life and you shouldn't blame yourself either. Other people can lift you out of it if you let them. I hope this helps you a little and it sinks in.

[turquoise70]

I personaly found, the things that help the most are good friends that are understanding and give you the room to come to terms with what it is your going threw. People that wont pressure you to be or act in ways that arnt in your nature. People that truly accept you for who you are and see your worth as an individual.

Absolutely agree. I have a very hard time 'beating' depression alone, weed doesn't improve my mood unless it's already a good one, and just eating healthy and sleeping regularly don't make it go away although they make it much more manageable than it otherwise would be. My close friends are the surest chance to pick me up and I'm eternally grateful they're there, cause I'd be screwed otherwise. My parents and I have never had the greatest relationship and it's changing now that I'm an adult (or trying to be) but still living with them, and contact with them can mean 4 times out of 5 a huge mood crash, they can be very discouraging as they definitely do not understand me or my personality at all, in addition to being generally opposed to most of everything i'm in favor of both pertaining to the outside world and my own self/lifestyle/personal view of the world. I looked around for apartments to move out recently, but decided not to because I realized I would be utterly lonely in my own place and probably go insane since I have no life (all i do is go to school 3 hours a day and go to work on the weekends, i spend almost all the remaining time at home doing nothing on the computer).

You'll feel better one day, man. All of this will pass. Remember that as bleak as your depression is now, that your mind is capable of creating happiness just as strong. It might not be easy, but one day you'll remember what it feels like to experience true joy. Try really reaching out to people, relating to them, articulating exactly what you mean. Try things you've never tried before and surprise yourself. This will at least shake you out of that rut. And that's the first step.

I used to be exactly like this. I would shut myself away from the world, feel like dying, like everyone hated me, and I felt cruelty and hostility everywhere I went. I honestly thought it would never end until I ended it myself. It took a couple different anti-depressants and some therapy to kick this state of mind, but now I am just about cured. I feel like I deserve to be happy now and I take action to make it happen, something I didn't even understand before. I don't blame myself for all those ugly years of my life and you shouldn't blame yourself either. Other people can lift you out of it if you let them. I hope this helps you a little and it sinks in.

like i said above, contact and interaction with people i have an affinity of some kind with always brings me through a shitty period of depression, and this advice is very appreciated. the one thing that seems to bring me away from those looming fears and emotional mania is positive, meaningful interactions with people, and this is helping out with that a great deal actually. thanks very much for that.

i know if hills were here he'd have some choice words to say too. i hope he's doing well these days.

[sevenELIXIR]

whatever happened to hills? he alright?

[Vexille]

Why do I wake up every morning?

To get money and fuck bitches.

*t-rex gif*

[jakestott]

Why do I wake up every morning?

To get money and fuck bitches.

*t-rex gif*

And to make my breakfast.

[turquoise70]

i feel so much better this morning. i woke up with a good mood and it's staying with me.

[Torn n Frayed]

Well, my recent E trips haven't helped me with this, ARRRGGG!!

[sevenELIXIR]

so..... what's up with hills??

[turquoise70]

last i heard, he's taking a break. whatever that entails, it's probably something he decided was healthy for him.

[(parenthesis)]

Man, the other day I remember how depressed I was over the summer. It was fucking horrible, just every day waking up and feeling like absolute shit.

I feel a lot better now. A lot of things have gotten better, now I have reasons to get up in the morning.

[Liquidlitebrite]

Smoke some everything enhancer... It's how I get through the day...

[TheSilenceEchoes]

does anyone of you know those old platform Rayman games? In a few levels you have these clouds and you jump on them to get somewhere higher where you have to go to finish the level. But. Those clouds slowly disappear when you stand on them. So you have to keep on jumping from cloud to cloud.
That's the exact description of my life for the past 4, 5 years. I'm constantly searching for a little something, a project, something small to look forward to, to jump onto. Te prevend myself from falling forever..... But these clouds never offer something solid, something to find peace, to rest for a while. They do not offer a feeling of coming home, of feeling safe. Because they can't hold my weight for long. So i have to keep on exhausting myself to find another one before the one i'm leaning on disappears. But sometimes i just really can't find anything in time. And then i fall into something so deep, so black, so empty.
I have been struggling with depression from a very young age. It's a fucking lonely struggle. I've never taken any medicine because it feels as if the problem isn't really coming from me. As a young girl i just started to realize that not all people can be trusted, that not all motives come from love, that the world really is a hostile place and life is really a lonely walk for people that are different. And also, that life itself seems so fucking meaningless. Like wtf! Do we only live for work? For money? Everyone is so shallow and selfish! Wtf is going on in this world? Why do we hurt each other so much? I just don't get it. It makes me so sad.
How stupid it sounds to take a pill because the world is such a shitty place to live in!! Is it not the same as voluntarity throwing yourself into a happy clappy stupor of ignorance and acquiescing with what's going on around you? Sorry if i sound a bit black/white ish. I'm just thinking out loud.. I'm not anti medication at all. I'm actually thinking of starting to take antidepressants myself (because i can hardly take it anymore), but.... This is just my hesitation. You know?

[turquoise70]

I actually can sympathize heartily, TheSilenceEchoes.

I'm a very home-base type person, as I call it, and I like a feeling of having a secure bunker to return to, be it a physical one, or just something that acts as a mental security blanket. I hate feeling like I'm out on the road for too long, both geographically and in terms of what I'm doing in my life - I hate feeling like what I'm doing is "beside the point" of my life, I lose motivation so quickly whenever I find myself feeling that way, other people view me as a quitter or as someone who is not interested in anything in life, and sometimes I feel like I am. I have no special, in-the-movies type of skill, talent or calling in life, though I'm good enough at this and that. It's a frustrating position to be in, and one that is seldom understood by anyone, anywhere. It makes my teeth ache and I wish I were like a character in some cartoon who discovers his true worth through whatever he excels at, but life is not the movies.

And then like you mentioned, I also fail to see any inherent, ultimate, universally recognizeable "meaning" in human life. It seems we're put here in a world that the honest cannot understand when they are honest with themselves, and only the foolish claim to see any order and comprehensibility in. It seems to me it is a wrong understanding that makes a person feel "familiar" and "right with himself" when viewing the universe. I differ from so many of my friends on that issue. I have so many friends who look up at the stars and figure, "Man, the universe is so amazing, everything must ulimately work out, in a cosmic sense." What do you even know of these things? How can you speak from outside your warm-or-cold human world of perception? We're little ant-bugs scurrying around trying to find comfort before the cosmic boot drops, that's all, there's nothing to be satisfied and pleased about in the universe we're in. It's not a rational network of structures upholding those that understand it, that's just another fairy tale to keep the bookish comfortable when the wind gets too chilly at night. It's a brutish, insensible nightmare and the only people who ever seem to achieve lasting happiness are those who have twisted their mind to be blind to this.

And again I feel very sympathetic towards your views on medicating pills, I've gone through the same mental gymnastics myself. I hate feeling this way, but it feels right to hate feeling this way, I'm not supposed to feel good about it. It would be like taking a pill to kill all the feeling in my body - some things are supposed to hurt. I wouldn't ever want to mistake my own burning skin for something to be happy about, and likewise I wouldn't ever want to mistake what I see as the depressing realities of the universe as anything but. I want to function, but not at the expense of what I consider to be a rare truth that I happen to have a grasp on.