Depression

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Eagle Minded
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2020k wrote:when I hit my head my vision was knocked out for around three seconds. Everything went black & starry, then it came back and my head hurt where I hit but beyond that I was fine. I didn't even lose consciousness.

Oh, man. That's happened to me so many times. I better be more careful.

2020k wrote:I was at work, in my little cubicle

I love how you threw in that description. I got such a cute image in my head. :)

2020k wrote:I just kept feeling like I was falling (you know the feeling right before bed, in your chest

I've heard of people getting that feeling before, but I don't believe I've ever experienced it. Very infrequently, I will feel like the room is spinning just after I get in bed and close my eyes. I don't know what triggers that. I have a feeling it's when I go to bed just after physical exertion.

2020k wrote:ER told me I was just "near fainting" and sent me home with an outrageous medical bill.

I know someone who is prone to fainting, and he told me it is very unpleasant. The vasovagal symptoms are quite unnerving. You also have a deep sense of dread that you cannot suppress.

Sometimes I forget that other countries don't have free health care. It's so odd to me that you'd have to pay for that. The funny thing is, even though it's free in Canada, I've only been to the hospital once in my life. It was when I was quite little. Of course, I have visited others in the hospital, but only went to the hospital once for something to do with my health.

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My cute pink cube. (just kidding)!

I've only been to the hospital two times, both as a child as well & oh, boy. Health care cost in the United States is definitely interesting, to say the least.

Today's interesting. I keep going in and out of focus. Several times an hour I feel like a very semi-normal version me for a while, then I feel like full blown concussion me. I'm hesitantly taking it as a sign of getting better.
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747Music wrote:dont go up there!!! the music is down by the truck!
Forest_Opal wrote:Mexicolas a spooky person.
Josh wrote:Sometimes I would pay money for 1:46 of silence.

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Eagle Minded
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2020k wrote:Image
My cute pink cube. (just kidding)!

I've only been to the hospital two times, both as a child as well & oh, boy. Health care cost in the United States is definitely interesting, to say the least.

Today's interesting. I keep going in and out of focus. Several times an hour I feel like a very semi-normal version me for a while, then I feel like full blown concussion me. I'm hesitantly taking it as a sign of getting better.

What do you do in your cube?

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Happy Cycler
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"you have 30 minutes to move your cube"

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Well, nothing now! :lol:
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747Music wrote:dont go up there!!! the music is down by the truck!
Forest_Opal wrote:Mexicolas a spooky person.
Josh wrote:Sometimes I would pay money for 1:46 of silence.

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Dayvan Cowboy
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haven't been on in a while, mostly because I don't feel accepted or liked anywhere, and also because my hearing is so fucked that I can't bear to listen to most music. I'm very much alone now, I might kill myself. Probably not, but, I might. I feel like it a lot.
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Aerial Boundaries wrote:haven't been on in a while, mostly because I don't feel accepted or liked anywhere, and also because my hearing is so fucked that I can't bear to listen to most music. I'm very much alone now, I might kill myself. Probably not, but, I might. I feel like it a lot.


You're not alone! PLEASE, whatever negative thoughts you're having DO NOT ACT ON THEM. PLEASE, stick it out, stick around, ride out whatever is going on. Give it a chance to pass. In the meantime, let us know you're ok!

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Happy Cycler
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Aerial Boundaries wrote:haven't been on in a while, mostly because I don't feel accepted or liked anywhere, and also because my hearing is so fucked that I can't bear to listen to most music. I'm very much alone now, I might kill myself. Probably not, but, I might. I feel like it a lot.


Hey mate, good to see you on the board again. You aren't alone. If you ever wanna chat just give me a shout. I'm happy to listen any time and for as long as you need. Sorry to hear the ear is still playing up - have the doctors been able to identify a problem? Look after yourself, things will improve.
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Dayvan Cowboy
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Aerial Boundaries wrote:haven't been on in a while, mostly because I don't feel accepted or liked anywhere, and also because my hearing is so fucked that I can't bear to listen to most music. I'm very much alone now, I might kill myself. Probably not, but, I might. I feel like it a lot.


Please hold on. You're cool.

Boqurant
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Aerial Boundaries wrote:haven't been on in a while, mostly because I don't feel accepted or liked anywhere, and also because my hearing is so fucked that I can't bear to listen to most music. I'm very much alone now, I might kill myself. Probably not, but, I might. I feel like it a lot.


I know the feeling of being misunderstood or not feeling accepted these thoughts and feelings creep into my brain from time to time...the best thing to do is to ask yourself why these thoughts and ideas are important.

Here are some thought experiments to try - What would you do differently if you did feel accepted? What is being accepted ? Why is your happiness derived from what other people think of you and is your perception of others accurate?

I know a guy whom everybody loves whom on the surface seems very happy when in actuality he is far from being content .....my point is that most of the time we feed ourselves false information...this guy whom i looked up too, after to getting to know him .. is more depressed than i am,however, before i knew him i was jealous.


Some of us are just good at wearing masks and we look at those people and say "why can't i be more like him?" when they are no more happy then you are.

Acceptance is a funny thing especially when your feeling down, we tend to place so much importance on what other people think and never stop to ask if the people whom we want acceptance from are any better off then we are.

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Eagle Minded
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Aerial Boundaries wrote:haven't been on in a while, mostly because I don't feel accepted or liked anywhere, and also because my hearing is so fucked that I can't bear to listen to most music. I'm very much alone now, I might kill myself. Probably not, but, I might. I feel like it a lot.

I was wondering where you went. I missed you. Don't kill yourself!

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I agree with all previous sentiments. Aaaaalll we love you.

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AB, I just saw your post. You stick around.
The world is a far better place with you in it.
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Slow down...

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2020k wrote:Well, nothing now! :lol:

Oh, fuck off, this post was over a year ago. Don't hit your head - I'm still dealing with some bullshit from this, though not as much.

AB, you're one of the members whose posts I always love to read, so don't do that. Though I don't know what your hearing issue is, I know where you're coming from. I couldn't listen to music for months and it was probably the worst thing on the planet. Stick around, the feeling will pass, we all love you, we're here to listen to you vent if you need to.
BUY MY MUSIC AND SIGN ME: Twenty20k.com

747Music wrote:dont go up there!!! the music is down by the truck!
Forest_Opal wrote:Mexicolas a spooky person.
Josh wrote:Sometimes I would pay money for 1:46 of silence.

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Happy Cycler
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Aerial Boundaries wrote:haven't been on in a while, mostly because I don't feel accepted or liked anywhere, and also because my hearing is so fucked that I can't bear to listen to most music. I'm very much alone now, I might kill myself. Probably not, but, I might. I feel like it a lot.


C, I'm not going to tell you not to or pat you on the back and tell you that you're "not alone" or something like that without knowing the context of the situation. I know things were bad the last time we talked. I know they can go from bad to worse.

What I do want to say is that I think you won't. I don't believe you'd give up so quickly.

Not that suicide is "giving up" inherently, but in your context, it is.

I mean for starters, if you really wanted that, how would you go about it? I've only ever seen you do/attempt to do things to improve your life despite the fact that you've been dealt a terrible hand. The boat I'm in may not be the same but it has some similarities. I got to know you well enough from my conversations with you online and when we were temporary roommates for a week, stumbling around high off sleep deprivation in Edinburgh. I was sick, but those were good times anyways.

You had expressed similar feelings then.

Yet a year later, there you were. We had another pint and you had even more to say.

I don't know what your calling is (if not of a linguistic or literary nature, I could see you doing fantastic cinematography, to name one other possibility) but you have one and I know you want to answer that call...and I know it's hard to get through the day and everything sucks but you must answer that call not necessarily for yourself but for everyone else that will witness your calling's yield. You have an obligation, with all that which you've amassed inside that adroit, tempered brain of yours, to your own self; no matter the time it takes to get there or recognize the calling, it will continue to be present as long as you are and I'd hate to see it go to waste.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciRP3WN6pkM
mechanismj wrote:'Round these parts they would tend to be meatheads and jocks. Never could figure that out.

Okay...now...wait for fog machine.

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"This mount is such, that ever
At the beginning down below 'tis tiresome,
And aye the more one climbs, the less it hurts."
mechanismj wrote:'Round these parts they would tend to be meatheads and jocks. Never could figure that out.

Okay...now...wait for fog machine.

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Eagle Minded
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I apologize in advance for drudging this topic up.

Every weekend feels like purgatory, I can't even pretend to look forward to them while at work. I'm asleep from noon to midnight and then stuck with a deafening silence outside my window all night. My neighborhood feels like a portion of a 3d era GTA map, half the shopping strips are deserted save for a couple gas stations and religious centers.
I hate that my job has become all I am at this point,
I hate my velcro covered face,
I hate that I have to push one side of myself away from the public eye to the point of an internal schism,
I hate that the other side has to be reminded of how his childhood dream is chipping away day by day like an old porcelain doll,
I hate the feeling that my art isn't "integrating the shadow" but just showing how messed up I am in the head
I hate how my interests alienate me from everyone because who cares about art, philosophy, and weird music these days
I hate the objectification of humanity
I hate barely knowing who I am whilst everyone else clings to identifiers
I hate being told that therapy is the only option when all I want is to talk to someone like a real person

And I hate that I left this wonderful understanding place for seven years for two different boards that have bit the dust, one of them full of great people, whilst the other full of hateful rhetoric that only reminds me of the bed that I have made for myself. Seriously, when I think back on how I was back in 2010-2013 I'm surprised any of you put up with me, provided others that were here then are still here.
He who is not bold enough to be stared at from across the abyss is not bold enough to stare into it himself.
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ne ni-o nene, o nene, ne ni-o nene, o nene, ne ni-o nene, o nene, ne ni-o nene, o nene

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rodox_head wrote:I apologize in advance for drudging this topic up.

Every weekend feels like purgatory, I can't even pretend to look forward to them while at work. I'm asleep from noon to midnight and then stuck with a deafening silence outside my window all night. My neighborhood feels like a portion of a 3d era GTA map, half the shopping strips are deserted save for a couple gas stations and religious centers.
I hate that my job has become all I am at this point,
I hate my velcro covered face,
I hate that I have to push one side of myself away from the public eye to the point of an internal schism,
I hate that the other side has to be reminded of how his childhood dream is chipping away day by day like an old porcelain doll,
I hate the feeling that my art isn't "integrating the shadow" but just showing how messed up I am in the head
I hate how my interests alienate me from everyone because who cares about art, philosophy, and weird music these days
I hate the objectification of humanity
I hate barely knowing who I am whilst everyone else clings to identifiers
I hate being told that therapy is the only option when all I want is to talk to someone like a real person

And I hate that I left this wonderful understanding place for seven years for two different boards that have bit the dust, one of them full of great people, whilst the other full of hateful rhetoric that only reminds me of the bed that I have made for myself. Seriously, when I think back on how I was back in 2010-2013 I'm surprised any of you put up with me, provided others that were here then are still here.


Please don’t put yourself down, after having back and forth conversations on the Aspergers and the autistic spectrum thread I can tell that you are a nice person and we have some things in common, I’ve felt like through these replies and posts I’ve come feel a sense of connection with you as a user. Even though the communication on this forum is virtually based, there are people here that over the past 1-2 years as an lurker, have made me time and time again want to sign up. I’m not going to say it will get better as life with it’s ups and downs is wishful thinking, but as a member of this forum, i may not know you personally and I won’t judge. But just to let you know that whatever your going through, I’m here to talk. PM me anytime you like and I’ll strike up a conversation. And I hope that the twoism community as a whole will be understanding with their posts towards you. Your personality (to me) is meant well just know that if the people around you are putting you down, we are here.

PM me anytime Rodox, regards - richard :)
I'll get you ice-cream if you give me your card.

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Dayvan Cowboy
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Time heals everything. I remember many years before I had probably my first real depression. Now this feelings come natural and very real. You cannot escape sadness, this is a part of you. You have to learn walk along the dark side. Time heals everything.
\o

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Eagle Minded
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Orbited insanitarium wrote:Please don’t put yourself down, after having back and forth conversations on the Aspergers and the autistic spectrum thread I can tell that you are a nice person and we have some things in common, I’ve felt like through these replies and posts I’ve come feel a sense of connection with you as a user. Even though the communication on this forum is virtually based, there are people here that over the past 1-2 years as an lurker, have made me time and time again want to sign up. I’m not going to say it will get better as life with it’s ups and downs is wishful thinking, but as a member of this forum, i may not know you personally and I won’t judge. But just to let you know that whatever your going through, I’m here to talk. PM me anytime you like and I’ll strike up a conversation. And I hope that the twoism community as a whole will be understanding with their posts towards you. Your personality (to me) is meant well just know that if the people around you are putting you down, we are here.

PM me anytime Rodox, regards - richard :)

Much appreciated :] . I admit I realize that the only person really putting me down is myself, but I'd be lying if I said my current lack of real emotional connection or the relatively recent long-distance moves of family members hasn't had its effects on me.

arvy wrote:Time heals everything. I remember many years before I had probably my first real depression. Now this feelings come natural and very real. You cannot escape sadness, this is a part of you. You have to learn walk along the dark side. Time heals everything.

It is true that time will eventually numb things, I'm far from the days of going through a pint of whiskey every weekend and having to leave work early due to heavy bouts of depression.
He who is not bold enough to be stared at from across the abyss is not bold enough to stare into it himself.
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ne ni-o nene, o nene, ne ni-o nene, o nene, ne ni-o nene, o nene, ne ni-o nene, o nene

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