Depression

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Sherbet Head
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My brother's wife has miscarried. God damn it you guys, I wanted to be an uncle

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Dayvan Cowboy
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I am the queen of france!
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I'm so confused, I don't know how to feel about anything, nothing fills me, everything is so superficial, nothing feels close, or real
All which makes me anxious
At times unbearably so

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Dayvan Cowboy
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Today I had to say goodbye to my best friend.

He's only gone off to Notre Dame for his PhD, so I've not much to complain about.. I'm filled with pride and happiness for him, but to know that he left today has left the world with that orange hue you see outside as a child as the sun sets, knowing that it will soon be time for bed.

I mowed his lawn that he'd never done, I picked up some of the stuff in his apartment for his landlord's sake, and I took with me a small nightstand and a red lamp that he'd left behind. I'll put them next to my bed. There was a little black journal off to the side of his spare room, and I picked through it a bit until I realized that it was his thoughts on paper. It's still on that nightstand.. I might read through it some other day.

I know the internet exists, and I know that we'll all drive up to see him, and I'm sure he'll come down himself. Maybe it's the fact that he's been my best friend through college and, now that we've all graduated, him leaving really sets the tone that that period of my life is over. A new era begins soon, but I really did like this one.

It's weird to stand alone in a house that you know you'll never be in again.

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Boqurant
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Waterbagel wrote:Today I had to say goodbye to my best friend.

He's only gone off to Notre Dame for his PhD, so I've not much to complain about.. I'm filled with pride and happiness for him, but to know that he left today has left the world with that orange hue you see outside as a child as the sun sets, knowing that it will soon be time for bed.

I mowed his lawn that he'd never done, I picked up some of the stuff in his apartment for his landlord's sake, and I took with me a small nightstand and a red lamp that he'd left behind. I'll put them next to my bed. There was a little black journal off to the side of his spare room, and I picked through it a bit until I realized that it was his thoughts on paper. It's still on that nightstand.. I might read through it some other day.

I know the internet exists, and I know that we'll all drive up to see him, and I'm sure he'll come down himself. Maybe it's the fact that he's been my best friend through college and, now that we've all graduated, him leaving really sets the tone that that period of my life is over. A new era begins soon, but I really did like this one.

It's weird to stand alone in a house that you know you'll never be in again.


Damn dude, I'm in almost the exact same situation. My best friend (and next door neighbor) who I grew up with just recently moved away to start college and become a pilot. It feels weird to know that he's not right next door and I can't go over to ask him to go out on nights like these. We definitely got much closer as we progressed through highschool.

Celebrating his departure a few nights before he left was bittersweet through a drunken haze. I'll likely never forget stumbling around blindly in the neighborhood we grew up in at 2:00 in the morning.

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Dayvan Cowboy
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Witto wrote:It feels weird to know that he's not right next door and I can't go over to ask him to go out on nights like these. We definitely got much closer as we progressed through highschool.


Cheers, dude. I'm right there with ya right now.

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Eagle Minded
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So me and my boyfriend just broke up. My whole life is upsidedown. I had to move out so I'm staying at my sisters apartment now. I was just going to quit my job and take some easier job with not so much responsibility so I could focus more on my art. This was possible because we had low rent together and so. Now I have to stay at my work that I hate and I'm worried that I can't keep my beloved art studio because I have to take the car (which is his but we shared it) to get there. I can't afford to by a car at the moment. It's very difficult to get an apartment in this city so I'm very stressed out about that. I also have to large dogs so I can't live anywhere and go where ever I want. I feel so trapped.
I guess the anxiety I feel are caused by the stress but also that I feel completely lost at the moment. We had so big plans together. we where going to buy a house out in the country and have like a rehabilitate centre for friends and others. A place where people could come and feel safe and relaxed. This has been my huge dream all my life and it was possible with him. He had the money that I never could dream of having. Been a cleaner and a waitress all my life so I will never be able to afford a place like that by my self. Now I have no idea what to do with my life. I been trying to becoming an artist but fuck it's hard..I will keep trying but it's so much hard work and almost never any money.

I also know that this is my own fault. That hurt the most. I wasn’t able to love him fully and I was irritated a lot by things he did or didn’t do. I also couldn’t stand him when he was angry at me. He was so cold and vicious. I guess I made him that way but I couldn’t find a way to handle him in those times. I said that I couldn’t take it any more and then he asked me to leave.
I think it was for the best yet I'm so scared that I will and up lonely and unhappy without him.
I don't know what to do, what I want to do and who to be. I feel like this past year had changed me a lot and I'm not sure I like this new person I'm becoming. I feel more self secure yet much more judging of others. Like I only see the bad things in people, before I always saw the good. It's confusing but I'm working with my self to be more positive. I just wish I had more time and that I could have fixed this before it was to late.

I think I will have a long journey ahead of me, trying to understand who I am and what I want and expect in my life.

I'm trying to do things I like but as soon as I'm alone at home the anxiety creeps up on me, it's more powerful than I've ever experienced before in my life. Like a huge pressure an my chest and it's harder to breath. It's like something dark is growing inside me. First week after it was like this constantly. I really experienced the feeling of being depressed for the first time in my life. I can't understand how some people live with this feeling for years. Now it's better but it comes and goes.
I'm guessing the best to do in situations like this is to face it. Just go trough with it. Just seems like I've been here way to many times.
Why is it so hard for me to get relationship to work? It's seem so easy for so many people. I never had an easy relationship. I guess I need to be alone for some time but at the same time it's hard to be without the intimacy. Well, well. I guess it could be much worse..Some times I wonder how people do it, how they get trough life with all it's constant disappointments.

I know things will be okay some day...But at the moment it really sucks...

Sherbet Head
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Stay strong girl. Do it for your dogs!

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Dayvan Cowboy
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Syberia wrote:
I think it was for the best yet I'm so scared that I will and up lonely and unhappy without him.
I don't know what to do, what I want to do and who to be.

...

I think I will have a long journey ahead of me, trying to understand who I am and what I want and expect in my life.

...

I know things will be okay some day...But at the moment it really sucks...


If it's any consolation, you are not the only one right now.

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Eagle Minded
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Waterbagel wrote:
Syberia wrote:
I think it was for the best yet I'm so scared that I will and up lonely and unhappy without him.
I don't know what to do, what I want to do and who to be.

...

I think I will have a long journey ahead of me, trying to understand who I am and what I want and expect in my life.

...

I know things will be okay some day...But at the moment it really sucks...


If it's any consolation, you are not the only one right now.


Thanks. I'm sorry for being so dramatic...I know people go through much worse things than this.
I'm really sorry about your friend moving away. It sucks when things change even if you are not ready for them to change.

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Dayvan Cowboy
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Syberia wrote:Thanks. I'm sorry for being so dramatic...I know people go through much worse things than this.
I'm really sorry about your friend moving away. It sucks when things change even if you are not ready for them to change.


Heh, sorry - I was referring to the breakup.

But don't worry about anything like 'drama' anyway. Just because people go through worse things doesn't lessen or trivialize what you're feeling right now.

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Happy Cycler
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They tell you not to mix uppers and downers but how else are you going to make midders?
Okay...now...wait for fog machine.

Sherbet Head
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How do people accept themselves? How can they go through life happy with themselves? I don't remember feeling that way, I'm a fucking failure

sorry I had to vent a little

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Najlepsiejszy wrote:How do people accept themselves? How can they go through life happy with themselves? I don't remember feeling that way, I'm a fucking failure

sorry I had to vent a little

I just try to distract myself to try not to think about anything, numb myself
All which makes me anxious
At times unbearably so

Telepath
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I just pretend I'm awesome so hard I start to believe it.

Be who you'd like to be, men!

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Moderator
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Cupz wrote:I just pretend I'm awesome so hard I start to believe it.

Be who you'd like to be, men!


Yup. This can actually work sometimes.
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Slow down...

Sherbet Head
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Cupz wrote:I just pretend I'm awesome so hard I start to believe it.

Be who you'd like to be, men!


Well you've got an awesome beard, so you have that going for you

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Dayvan Cowboy
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He certainly does, rivals Techboy's actually ;P
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Dayvan Cowboy
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well you know, if i could have a cool dutch blonde beard over my scottish ginger beard i probably would.

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I just broke up with my gf, still don't know how to feel, but I think it's for the good, we're too different
All which makes me anxious
At times unbearably so

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