Depression

[Amo Bishop Roden]

I just broke up with my gf, still don't know how to feel, but I think it's for the good, we're too different

Just take care of yourself, it's a tough thing to go through. And be patient. I'm two months into the hardest dumping I've ever experienced and I'm just now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Lovesickness is absolutely the worst feeling I've known, but time, effort, and midfulness will ease the pain, eventually.

Don't forget to be kind to yourself. If it had to happen, you did the right thing.

[Ashtray Wasp]

I just broke up with my gf, still don't know how to feel, but I think it's for the good, we're too different

Just take care of yourself, it's a tough thing to go through. And be patient. I'm two months into the hardest dumping I've ever experienced and I'm just now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Lovesickness is absolutely the worst feeling I've known, but time, effort, and midfulness will ease the pain, eventually.

Don't forget to be kind to yourself. If it had to happen, you did the right thing.

Thanks for the advice, and congratulations on actually seeing the truth . If you look on my previous posts on this thread, you'll see it was bound to happen anytime soon

[747Music]

I was hoping to not have to come to this thread to post about myself again, but I've been really messed up lately. Fighting suicidal thoughts every day due to crippling anxiety, depression, frustration, feeling worthless, stress, physical pain and fatigue. Please don't be overly alarmed as I don't feel it's a battle I will lose, but the thoughts are there a lot, nonetheless.

It seems the withdrawals from the tons of meds I was on for so many years isn't done with me yet. I've lost yet more weight, and with it the meds have been releasing in bursts from storage in my body to flowing through it causing all sorts of trouble for the chemistry balance in my brain.

I can't seem to get much done in the last month. Brief periods of focus allow me to make some tunes here and there, but very little time has been spent doing so. Lately I've been distracting my mind as much as I can with playing videogames, watching comfort shows like Futurama and older movies, and of coarse listening to great music like BoC, Biosphere, as well as old 60s psychedelic stuff like The Beach Boys, Pink Floyd, Donovan, Jefferson Airplane and lots of other stuff.

I'm also seeing a therapist/consultant now. She told me that she is quite booked up at first but I got in on someone elses cancelled appointment. After one visit she told me to come in each week and not to worry about paying due to my financial situation. I'm very thankful for this. It's definitely something positive to think about. She seems very nice and caring. She has some information on thought patterns that she gave me. I'm going to do my best to deeply consider the ideas and processes involved in the solutions.

I'm also fortunate to have a great flatmate. He doesn't really discuss things with me, but he's always making supper and getting the things we need for the house like groceries and stuff. We pay all the bills 50/50 of coarse. The thing that's draining my funds is all of the natural stuff to treat my illnesses which is not covered by any services. I do not have the ability to save up money at this point and foolishly spent my savings when I moved out, not expecting my health to get worse and thus not needing to buy more treatments. I'm not going further and further into debt or anything. I'm just barely breaking even with less than $100 left over, but something usually comes up that takes even that.

I'm going to get rid of a few things to save money. I'm thinking of getting rid of my cell phone all together, or at least finding who has the absolute cheapest services and use it for emergencies. No one really calls me much anymore anyways so I feel it's not worth paying for a good plan.

I think I'm gonna sell my PS4 and games for a reasonable price locally. I don't really use it anymore and console games are too expensive for me anyways. I'll stick with PC games and buy stuff on steam sales and sites like g2a. I think with a few financial adjustments I can start being able to save up for stuff again.

I keep telling my friends to call or text me once in a while so I have some evidence that someone out there is thinking of me. I have one friend that seems to at least try to do that. People are just too damn busy to comply with that. I try here and there to call others to hang out a lot of the time cause it so rarely works out and I end up getting very discouraged for my efforts being fruitless that I give up for a while. I had to go to the hospital a couple of times and had a very hard time finding a ride there, and the friends I called for a ride never really bothered to check in afterwards to see if I was ok. wtf? So I'm thinking of moving somewhere else to get a fresh start. I need to save up money for that though. And I risk cabin-fever-like midsets when living by myself.

I'd also really love to find myself a girl but I feel that would be selfish of me at the moment. I will wait until I'm felling well enough that I wouldn't be a large burden on her. It sucks as I have a few girls in mind, but who knows how long they'll be single for. I just have to put it out of my mind until I feel better I guess.

Sorry for the long post. I had to get that off my chest. I haven't been on here often at all lately. I can't guarantee I will be here much until something changes for the positive. I hope you're all doing ok. I'll try to check in here and there though.

In the meantime, please enjoy your lives and take care of yourselves, twoism users. It's precious.

[Mexicola]

You know how to reach me if you need to vent online chap. Sorry it's crap right now

[Cupz]

Shitty to hear, 747. Recovering from these things is always a rollercoaster ride and it is hard to stay on top forever. It is important to keep in mind that your earlier positivity-streak was not meaningless or a fluke but a product of your own willpower and you can do it again (and again and again). Maybe you got a bit to cocky thinking it was all over and dropped your defence. Put those boxing gloves back on and get back in the ring!

I'd text you on yer phone every day if it wasn't so expensive (or, you didn't live on the other side of the world) you'd be the only one I'd text. Sufficed to say I think about you a lot. We can talk over ip if you ever need me to lend ear.

I hope you can get back on your horse and ride it in the wind again! And those songs you sent me to master are really really beautiful, don't give that up!

Secondary objective: Find a good woman. (optional)
Willie is the only thing in the world keeping me relatively sane and on my feet which, believe me, is not as easy as it sounds.

[Perch]

Stay strong, buddy. comfort music and shows can be a double edged sword, as once you feel like they arent working anymore it begins to feel like you are incapable of enjoying the things you love. That feeling always deepens the bad stuff for me. It is hard to make yourself do it, but try getting out. Experience things, even something as minimal as walking a trail or something. That's been my go to whenever I feel like I'm trapped in my head.

[747Music]

For the third attempt at a reply in this thread... Here we go. I had typed up a wall of text twice, dammit. lol.
I'm keeping things short this time. I'll be on telegram and discord too. And yes, Cupz, I'll check in on Mumble.

Thank you 3 for your kind words. They really mean a lot.

After getting out of the hospital on Wednesday, I've been progressively feeling much better. It seems like I'm back on the horse and the wind feels nice up here.

I've logged into mumble a bunch of times, but no one was on each time. We should coordinate something.

I definitely have to find myself a woman! I'm gonna start looking soon. Look out ladies. 747Music has it all! He's a nice guy... and he makes music... OH MAN! I can totally say things like "You and I, we would make beeeeautiful music together." Such a bulletproof line! I'll be married in no time!

Thanks, Mexi. I'll have to take you up on that to catch up. I hope things are well with you, bud.

Cupz.... I love you, man.

Perch, that's good advice, thanks. Keep things in moderation and switch it up once in a while. However, BoC has been the staple of my comfort music for 12+ years now and it hasn't lost it's touch. Not one bit. Going for a nice walk is a good idea all around. Fortunately, my area is beautiful this time of year. I'll have to post some pics sometime.

Looks like I'm doing ok again. Thank goodness! It's been a few days in a row now, which feels different and strange, but awesome! I could get used to this, lol.

Cheers!

[Mexicola]

That just made me smile - keep on truckin my friend.

[Aerial Boundaries]

Recent events have forced me through the other side, in a manner of speaking. The de-motivational aspect of depression is one of the worst psychological states as it relates to your chances for transformation (I hesitate to say 'recovery' here because I think having depression is entirely justified given the state of the world;) but there is only room for such a position when life is relatively un-chaotic, or at least not chaotic enough to overcome the sense of comfort which comes with indulging in life's pleasures on whim (as I am wont to do usually.)

Now however there has really been a turning point, specifically because of ongoing confrontation with mortality, which is the ultimate motivator, and the ability to even enjoy the simple pleasures and sink into comfort also disappearing. The result has been that I am more fearless out of sheer necessity, and also genuinely productive; I learnt a couple of programming languages and I've now restarted my philosophy studies, and perhaps most importantly become politically active again as a thinker, and as much as is feasible right now, a doer.

[drillkicker]

I've had loud tinnitus in my left ear since January and it hasn't stopped for a second since then. It's driving me absolutely insane right now. I've seen three different doctors about it and all three of them said very different things, none of which I believe at all. I want it to stop and I feel like I will never again hear silence for the rest of my life. I'm beginning to think that I have Ménière's disease, because none of the other possibilities seem to be the case. The hearing loss is especially terrifying, and it's upsetting that there are frequencies that I will never again be able to hear.

[Valotonin]

I've had loud tinnitus in my left ear since January and it hasn't stopped for a second since then. It's driving me absolutely insane right now. I've seen three different doctors about it and all three of them said very different things, none of which I believe at all. I want it to stop and I feel like I will never again hear silence for the rest of my life. I'm beginning to think that I have Ménière's disease, because none of the other possibilities seem to be the case. The hearing loss is especially terrifying, and it's upsetting that there are frequencies that I will never again be able to hear.

Months is a long period of time, yes. Understand that you are in an early phase and a full recovery is still likely. Hang in there and try not to drink too much alcohol as it can be a precursor to tinnitus. If you use headphones, keep them turned down. I would like to hear an update from you in a months time, yes?

Hang in there. It is nasty but not necessarily permanent.

[fujee]

Hope it gets better Drillkicker, that sounds rough.

[The Telepathic Kid]

so I'm finally biting the bullet and gonna get help.

It's not help in the sense of a paid psyche, Australian govt have a free counselling service for young people (under 25).

Gonna go there and try and be less of a cunt.

[Valotonin]

so I'm finally biting the bullet and gonna get help.

It's not help in the sense of a paid psyche, Australian govt have a free counselling service for young people (under 25).

Gonna go there and try and be less of a cunt.

Someone who is willing to call themselves a cunt like that isn't a cunt but needs a hug.

Another thing to add for drillkicker. I was looking up something to do with regular coffee vs. decaff and found this by chance:
"I have been told by my GP to drink Decaff as ordinary coffee is agrievating my Tinitus to the point where I can hear almost nothing above the noise in my ears."

[Cupz]

Someone who is willing to call themselves a cunt like that isn't a cunt but needs a hug.

Agreed. I don't really get why you think think you're a cunt, TTK, I think you have great character and I love you a whole lot. I have yet to read a cringey post of yours.


I feel like people need to be more in tune with universal love. A loving world starts with a loving attitude. You harvest what you seed.

phpBB [media]

[swindeorin]

Moved twice in 2 years and its catching up one me, had 2 girlfriends through that, one got hit by a car and the other couldnt stand me after a month, im not working, my circadian rhythm is all to fuck and all i want to do is disappear. it feels as if all I have right now is my music and my 2 dogs and this new place ive been in since March that doesnt feel right, even now. I dont want to go to sleep as when I do i dont want to wake up.
I dont know...
A big hug to everyone else dealing with stuff lately, you're not alone and we can get through this. <3

[drillkicker]

I've had loud tinnitus in my left ear since January and it hasn't stopped for a second since then. It's driving me absolutely insane right now. I've seen three different doctors about it and all three of them said very different things, none of which I believe at all. I want it to stop and I feel like I will never again hear silence for the rest of my life. I'm beginning to think that I have Ménière's disease, because none of the other possibilities seem to be the case. The hearing loss is especially terrifying, and it's upsetting that there are frequencies that I will never again be able to hear.

Months is a long period of time, yes. Understand that you are in an early phase and a full recovery is still likely. Hang in there and try not to drink too much alcohol as it can be a precursor to tinnitus. If you use headphones, keep them turned down. I would like to hear an update from you in a months time, yes?

Hang in there. It is nasty but not necessarily permanent.

I drink alcohol occasionally, but always in moderation. I really don't think anything will be different in a month. None of the doctors I've seen seem the least bit concerned about it, which is very frustrating for me. I never listen to loud music and try to avoid loud sounds when I can. I wear earplugs when I'm going somewhere I know will be loud and never leave the house without them, but my tinnitus still hasn't gotten any better. It feels like there's a lot of pressure in my ear, as well, and there are times that the pressure and ringing both increase dramatically. I am currently in one of those periods. An otoscopy revealed nothing, so it may be in the inner ear rather than the middle ear. If there's fluid buildup in there, then I think that means I have Ménière's disease, which isn't curable but often goes away after five to fifteen years. My grandmother believes my hearing loss may be genetic since someone in her family was very hard of hearing.

Anyway, it's absolute misery at night. I wish I could have silence when I sleep.

[Cupz]

A big hug to everyone else dealing with stuff lately, you're not alone and we can get through this. <3

Sounds complete shite dude, I hope you realise there is no shame in having nothing but music!

[747Music]

so I'm finally biting the bullet and gonna get help.

It's not help in the sense of a paid psyche, Australian govt have a free counselling service for young people (under 25).

Gonna go there and try and be less of a cunt.

If it's any help, you've always been nothing but kind and supportive to me, and I've very much appreciated that. You are a great guy, Nick. I'm getting free therapy too, now. I got in through Mental Health Services. I'm very glad I don't have to pay for it, cause I really can't afford it. The information and counselling provided has been of great help.


A lot of us are going through a difficult time. I'm still thankful I'm not suffering as much as my brother. The way his mind tortures him. It's beyond imagination what he deals with everyday and what he's done because of it. He's still going though. He's a strong guy. A good example of a never give up attitude. Not that the things I deal with are no problem. This just reminds me that it could be a lot worse. I worry about him a lot. Especially after some recent events.

I'm calling my doctor tomorrow and am gonna see what I can do to get off of these damn painkillers. It's a love/hate relationship. I'm trying to minimize hate. There has to be a better way than taking that stuff. I went 1 day without taking any codeine and by afternoon I was in a LOT of pain. What happens if I keep on them for another year?? I want out! I'll deal with my chronic pain some other way that wont ruin my insides.

I agree with Cupz that there is no shame in having nothing but music. Music is amazing and beautiful. It's all I had for most of my withdrawals which lasted the entirety of last October. I'm immensely glad I had it, cause I'm not sure I would have made it through otherwise. It was the only thing that could even remotely distract my mind. There was no escaping the complete physical and mental anguish, but it made it just bearable enough to keep going. I couldn't even focus on speech, so instrumental music was perfect. Just listening with no need to focus or interpret what was being said. Throwing my own music in the mix was odd. It was like a reminder of the feeling of accomplishment.

Peace and flowers, my twoism cohorts.

[The Telepathic Kid]

how do you guys feel about self help books?