dealing with emotional things

[pianoforte]

this afternoon, someone said something quite severe and mean to me via email. i do not know this person; i was -almost- going to go into a web-hosting-related arrangement with them, but i had poor judgement, did something wrong and now they are very angry at me. 'who the fuck cares about your project? you wasted my valuable time', etc.

i don't really know how to deal with this kind of criticism. right now i am feeling really down and upset (cried some) and i don't know what to do about it.

i am out of contact with the person now, but i am not out of feeling like shit. any suggestions?

[Jonse]

Go for a jog.

[fujee]

Go for a jog.

That will definitely help. Seriously.

Also, realise that most people are inherently selfish and unforgiving, so just take a step back and realise that you made a mistake, which is fine, everyone does, but this person is probably being an arse.

Chin up!

[hexagonLife]

Yeah man, I agree with the above (yesterday I felt terrible until I went for a good run). Keep focusing on the positive, and the positive impact your project is going to have

[A_Northern_Soul]

Yep - get out into the fresh air.

Take a few minutes to put what happened into perspective. If this is someone you don't have to deal with again, then move on. I'm sure they'll forget about it soon enough.

There'll always be people like that around. All you can do is develop a thick skin for when you do encounter them and - more importantly - surround yourself with positive people who aren't like that as much as you can.

[Blackjwell]

Perspective is very important. Although at the moment, this may seem like a big deal, if you think of it in the context of all the things you are going to do in your life, or even this year, you'll realize that it is really minute.

Feel bad, go for a jog, move on...

Also, every experience, good or bad, can be learned from.

I felt like crap yesterday. Today I went for a walk and actually felt pretty good. True story.

[Mexicola]

All good advice. I've been in this position many times and it's never nice.

OK, so you made a mistake. At the risk of trotting out a cliche, mistakes are how you learn. Never be afraid of mistakes.

Equally, if the guy is that highly strung then you might have just got off lightly. Sleep on it, do something to take your mind off it a while (and yeah, exercise is incredible at this. Get your bike out, go for a swim, smack hell out of a punchbag - whatever).

And remember - in the immortal words of Ronnie Barker - 'Don't let the bastards grind you down'.

Good luck

[parasömn]

Perspective is very important. Although at the moment, this may seem like a big deal, if you think of it in the context of all the things you are going to do in your life, or even this year, you'll realize that it is really minute.

This. I can't stress how important this is to realize, I wish more people would.

[Jonse]

Also, I can't say whether it'd be the right thing to do as I don't know the entirety of the situation you're in and whether you wish to continue working with these people that have criticized you or not, but if it's a no, then from time to time it's good to just say "fuck you" and have some closure to it. People are assholes and that's that, don't put up with their bullshit if you don't have to.

[pianoforte]

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I feel much better now, having gone for a brisk walk with a friend.

Here is a more... composed... account of what happened on Sunday:

For a few months now, a friend of mine and myself have been embarking on a very interesting project: we are attempting to convert an old desktop computer I rescued from someone's trash pile into a functioning dedicated (LAMP) web server.

This has proven to be very educational, yet very challenging as well. I/we are much closer now to having everything working now than I/we was/were even a week ago, but there are still some things that need to be sorted out before files can be moved across and the box can be relied upon as a true hosting option.

For some time now, I have been wanting to create a personal website for myself. The site, once completed, would function as a sort of 'portal' to all things pianoforte, featuring a blog, some scant information about myself and links to my presences on other sites (e.g. discussion forums, slashdot, etc).

This sort of thing would be extremely easy for me to build and maintain; I have made several attempts at creating something like this site before, but they have fallen through due to personal concerns and other things. However, before I can even think much about the specifics of building such a site, I need hosting.

I do already have a hosting account with a British company - I have used them for the past two years or so, and I am very happy with their services. However, for personal reasons I need/want to segregate this personal portal site from the other websites which I own and maintain. I cannot afford a second hosting account, and since the LAMP server which my friend and I are working on is not yet up and running, I posted at LinuxQuestions.org to ask whether anyone had some spare resources (server space, bandwidth, FTP details, etc.) which they could let me use for a short time to host this site until the homebrewed server is working properly.

A member who is fairly well known on those forums and has thousands of posts replied to let me know that he was in a position to offer me 'low-traffic resources' as a temporary arrangement so I could host this portal/project. He requested that I email him so we could discuss this further.

I did, and we hashed out some specifics (how much space I would need, what CMS I was hoping to run, etc). A few hours later, he sent me an email with the login credentials to a WordPress installation on a domain which he had offered me the use of. He had previously asked whether I cared which domain he set up for my use, and I said no - I didn't; he offered me the use of an unspecified 'spare domain' of his temporarily.

Anyway, as I Was saying: after a few hours he emailed me the login credentials for a WordPress installation on this domain of his. I noticed that the domain he was offering was based upon a certain euphemism for marijuana. As you all probably know, I am STRONGLY anti-drug, so this wouldn't really work for my purposes.

I sent him a civil email apologizing and saying that,while I appreciated the time he spent setting this up for me, I did in fact have a spare domain of my own that I was wondering if I could have him set up with his server in lieu of my using his spare marijuana-niche name.

Well, I thought I was perfectly apologetic and such about this, but evidently he didn't, because that's when, as a wise man once said, "the shit hit the fan". I got back a short, curt email to the effect of, "I am very angry about this, but I won't stay angry for long. There's no point - YOU are the one who wasted MY valuable time. Who the fuck cares about a personal website anyways? Go find another host. I have to extricate myself now."

My email back was also short - "Understood. Thanks.", but his words really hurt me. I understand that perhaps I did something wrong by not asking what the domain was that he was offering BEFORE he set everything up for me, but I didn't think of it and was very apologetic in my email asking if he could set up a different domain of mine.

I just don't think that the reaction fitted the transgression, is all. I'd be a bit annoyed if I was in his situation, but I wouldn't ask someone "Who the fuck cares about what you're doing?" That seems quite mean, to me.

At least he doesn't know where I live. *uneasy giggle*

---

So that's what happened. That's why I was upset. I feel better now, mainly due to your wonderful help. Thanks, guys.

[parasömn]

Yeah well that guy obviously is out of weed and was just being an asshole. He shouldn't have acted that way, he offered his time up for you in the first place. Anyway glad you're feeling better.

[Mexicola]

If he hasn't the grace to accept an apology then he's not worth your time or energy. Easy said I know - it's not me getting it in the neck, but really, honestly - bollocks to him.

Whatever mistake you made, whatever time of his you 'wasted', it didn't deserve the reply you got.

Seriously, his problem.

[fujee]

A good piece of advice I have for anyone when something has pissed you off, if you can, have a shower. It does wonders for your mood. Instant lift.

[saturdayindex]

Your main problem is that you take things personally. You have to learn to live by the rule that unwarranted, bullshit criticism is just another opportunity for you to laugh, tell yourself you're above their criticism, and get back to whatever you were doing, like making that peanut butter sandwich.

Cheers

PS I'm sorry your deal with him didn't work out, though. Hope you find another good host soon.

[aged sea]

Look at the good side of this event. Screw that asshole -- no one needs jerks in their life, so good riddance to bad rubbish. Honestly, the less you have to deal with jerks the better off you are, so this is a win for you! I'd say HE wasted YOUR valuable time.