Relationships

[turquoise70]

i am in love with an older guy. i kinda want to date him, he totally wants to date me.

is it a matter of waiting, or a matter of deciding?

Of deciding. We talk about it, though. I don't know if I could ever really articulate what's stopping me. Same thing that stops me from launching ambitious projects probably. Fear of failure. Fear of not meeting my own expectations. I dunno.

[s7409651]

Of deciding. We talk about it, though. I don't know if I could ever really articulate what's stopping me. Same thing that stops me from launching ambitious projects probably. Fear of failure. Fear of not meeting my own expectations. I dunno.

People talk about 'going with their gut' on things. I guess I think rather literally of all the tiny niggling thoughts like bacteria that could cloud one's judgement. Go with your gut, overall. Not the tiny thoughts.

I am such a freak when it comes to tiny details, and fear of faliure. But sometimes the stakes are too high, and you gotta recognise that moment to just let go.

[turquoise70]

I guess we are calling the closeness and romanticism we already share a relationship. I am wicked shy about using labels to describe myself in any way, and I guess the same trepidation applies to relationships. It just makes me feel weird to say it like, "we weren't dating, but now we are". What changed, in the moment we elected to call each other boyfriends? Nothing really. At least I hope not.

[jakestott]

I was, still kinda am, interested in a girl i talk to quite regularly. The thing is she lives just outside of London. She has issues which i can relate too a lot, she also suffers from depression. I wanna make her happy as hell, but she's into another guy, but the last i heard, she was having guy troubles. A few of my friends say i should just move on, i think they are right. What do you guys think? I still wanna be friends with her, as it's obvious i make her laugh a lot, and i always wanna be there to support her and stuffs. It's probably just a crush and i'll get over it, but i just wanted Twoism's opinion!

[s7409651]

hm, if she's into another guy, I'm sure you realise that being a friend to her, you'd have to hear about the other guy, and this may hurt (or just be plain frustrating)
A lot of guys hate the 'best friend' thing (if they have a crush on that girl).. but it seems like you really want to be there for her, so if you can manage that, perhaps you will develop something lasting in that way.

[jakestott]

hm, if she's into another guy, I'm sure you realise that being a friend to her, you'd have to hear about the other guy, and this may hurt (or just be plain frustrating)
A lot of guys hate the 'best friend' thing (if they have a crush on that girl).. but it seems like you really want to be there for her, so if you can manage that, perhaps you will develop something lasting in that way.

Thanks for your response man.

[BrandNewRetro]

I was, still kinda am, interested in a girl i talk to quite regularly. The thing is she lives just outside of London. She has issues which i can relate too a lot, she also suffers from depression. I wanna make her happy as hell, but she's into another guy, but the last i heard, she was having guy troubles. A few of my friends say i should just move on, i think they are right. What do you guys think? I still wanna be friends with her, as it's obvious i make her laugh a lot, and i always wanna be there to support her and stuffs. It's probably just a crush and i'll get over it, but i just wanted Twoism's opinion!

Ahhhh I've certainly been here before man! It's a funny old game. I really do think us types of guys, and those kinds of girls...perceive these situations in the complete opposite ways. Although I think it sounds like it should be the other way around, we tend to look at things from an almost fantasy-like point of view. We think, hey, this girls really nice. We seem to get on really well, she really seems to like what I'm saying and I seem to make her feel better. Sure she lives far away, but if we get on so well, it's worth it right? Even now I can't help but feel a bit like this when I get to know someone quite well. The problem is from the girls perspective, or at least from my experience, they're looking it at from a very realistic point of view. It's easy for us to get carried away and romanticise the situation, and chances are, they've not even looked at it in that way. I think both paths are the wrong way to go down. On the one hand you can get overly emotionally involved and end up really hurt, but then...you only live once, and if you really think something seems right, you should go for it.

Now I'm not saying this is the case in your situation, but what I've found myself in the past, is that these girls are actually using us nice guys as a form of attention seeking. They'll say they're ugly so you'll tell them they're beautiful. They'll say people don't like them, so that us being the nice guys that we are, tell them everything under the sun about how wonderful they are. From past experience, it's usually turned out that they've had quite a few of us nice guys talking to them on the go, using us for advice and to make them feel better and then boom...they get a boyfriend (who usually turns out to be a big polar opposite of what we're like) and that's it, our work has been done from their point of view.

Gosh I've just realised how pointed this 'advice' is to the situations I've been through! Although I must say my close friends have been through similiar situations. I'm not saying she doesn't like you, she could well be bessoted by you! All's I'm saying is tread carefully, try not to get too emotionally involved, because I know how easy it is to go down that path and it's a dangerous one. Also with her living so far away, it really is a factor that needs to be considered. I'm no longer a believer that long distance relationships can work, but then having had a failed relationship with someone who lived in Birmingham, and then a failed relationship with someone who buggered off to London, it's bound to have a negative effect on my outlook

[jakestott]

Cheers for your reply Liam, you are a dime man.

I guess for now i'll just be there for her in a friendly way. It's her birthday in a couple of weeks, so i might write her a letter, words of encouragement, soppy stuff! And yeah, the long distance is something i'm not overly keen on. Haven't been to London myself before, but i'm guessing it's pretty costy on the train.

In the end if nothing comes out of this, i'll just have to drown my sorrows at nightclubs around Manchester, haha.

[rik0000]

I was, still kinda am, interested in a girl i talk to quite regularly. The thing is she lives just outside of London. She has issues which i can relate too a lot, she also suffers from depression. I wanna make her happy as hell, but she's into another guy, but the last i heard, she was having guy troubles. A few of my friends say i should just move on, i think they are right. What do you guys think? I still wanna be friends with her, as it's obvious i make her laugh a lot, and i always wanna be there to support her and stuffs. It's probably just a crush and i'll get over it, but i just wanted Twoism's opinion!

Been in a similar situation. In the end I was the one she first told about her new boyfriend (and husband nowadays). Later on I heard that guy also saw me as competition, although that was never on her mind. (Hmm... sorry, this maybe a bad case for you to relate to. But for every bad story, there needs to be one good one, doesn't it )

Although it hurt when she told me about her new boyfriend, it was also the end to a period of a lot of doubt and hope (which sometimes can even be harder than being turned down I think). Afterwards our friendship continued and I learned we wouldn't be a match at all on the relationship level. I think because our friendship continued, I learned much more and came out better. Otherwise she probably would haunt me forever from the back of my mind...

I know, this is all not-in-love-logic. In your position, I would probably have the same doubts....

[turquoise70]

Well that TANKED. I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship. (this is not news, I had told him for weeks that I was shaky about it and would much rather keep him as a friend than stick with a relationship either of us was unhappy with - I guess he took that to mean a relationship that just /he/ was unhappy with, cause he was just fine with it)

He responded by not giving me a chance to explain and, as usual when he's upset, ignoring my assurances that I love him as much as ever, accusing me of "shoving him out of the boat" so to speak, and basically putting his frustration with the fact that our "relationship" only lasted 5 days up to being some wrongdoing of mine, such as not giving it a proper chance (I guess he'd prefer the alternative of me slogging through a relationship I was discovering very quickly was not working out for me for another 6 months until it was so much that I hated him and we just blew up and never spoke again, which is what happened anyway so nevermind) which is also bullshit because as far as I'm concerned our "relationship" with one another had been building up for weeks and weeks, and he was the one who initiated the "let's call each other boyfriends" thing a couple days ago to which my response was "ok but as long as we can back down and still be friends, i don't want to lose you as a cherished friend over this because I don't predict that it'll last" but he chose to ignore that as well because, I can only guess, his mind was going RAAAAGH I MUST HAVE A MAN-WIFE WHATEVER THE COST.

The entire time I've known him, including last night when I brought not wanting to be in a relationship up, I've said the same thing - that I love him dearly and even romantically but was very reticent to be in a relationship and was not confident that it would last based on my estimation of our compatibility, in terms of personality and in terms of what we both wanted from each other, we were not a match-up. He just ignored that over and over and over. Last night ended with him telling me "fuck you" (his words) and that he wanted "nothing to do with me. nothing." and cutting me out of his life. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Well if nothing else I never have to worry if I was right or not about us not being a good match-up for a long-term relationship, because I can not see myself with somebody so furiously childish when he doesn't get what he wants in 1 year, much less 5 years. Fuck this, all I wanted was to keep him as a close and beloved friend, as I had always said to him, and I guess I don't get that. I guess this is his way of saying "oh what, you don't like my plan for us? well fine you don't get yours either WAHHHH". This all took place over a span of about 10 minutes.

Sorry twoism i am just very hurt and a paradoxical mixture of surprised and totally unsurprised that this would go this way. I guess I held out a lot of undue hope that he would take this with an ounce of respect for me and my feelings, but all he could see in that moment was his own hurt feelings, apparently I didn't exist. He got spiteful and cruel and unkind in a hurry, despite my open arms. Fuck this so hard.

[s7409651]

it's sad that he couldn't meet you where you needed to be met.
I'm sorry Cole, it must hurt.

[turquoise70]

I have been crying all day.

According to his roommate he feels absolutely no remorse for being such a dick to me, he still considers -me- the asshole of the situation. I can't decide if I hate him or not. I never wanted to. All I wanted this to be was a gentle step back for me and a friend. Now I have not got that friend.

[Earthbound]

Feeling sorry for yah mate!

And maybe this is not what you want to hear right now, but I really think being afraid of losing a friend is not a good reason to not be in a relationship. You loved each other right? So the friend-thing you were talking about is already a bit uncertain. Holding on to staying friends, or what it is you call it, just brought you pain. That's the exact opposite of what you wanted. Maybe staying in this relationship, without knowing where it's gonna end, would be a better option.
Somehow I can a bit understand why this guy was upset in the first place. However, the way he's treating you right now is really shitty, and immature.

Take care man! Hope you'll find real love/happiness soon.

[turquoise70]

Feeling sorry for yah mate!

And maybe this is not what you want to hear right now, but I really think being afraid of losing a friend is not a good reason to not be in a relationship. You loved each other right? So the friend-thing you were talking about is already a bit uncertain. Holding on to staying friends, or what it is you call it, just brought you pain. That's the exact opposite of what you wanted. Maybe staying in this relationship, without knowing where it's gonna end, would be a better option.
Somehow I can a bit understand why this guy was upset in the first place. However, the way he's treating you right now is really shitty, and immature.

Take care man! Hope you'll find real love/happiness soon.

This is incorrect. We are not compatible, and the way he reacts to things is a huge indicator of that. I loved him, but that doesn't mean he's what I was looking for in a boyfriend. The closer we got to being in a committed relationship, the more my sense that this was not what I was looking for grew stronger. After being together for a week I could already tell this was not going to work out, and this was not news to me. I had told him time and again - something he seemed to just ignore, although at the time he swore he understood and took into account - that I wasn't confident that we were compatible, that I simply loved him, that this relationship thing was not what I was ultimately after. I finally let him convince me to try it, although I expressed in no uncertain terms my trepidation about it before we even did it. The truth is, he simply wanted it so much that he ignored the honest warning signs I was giving him, he just didn't let himself hear what he didn't want to hear, even though I said it loud and clear.

[meat like product]

What was different about the relationship you had and the week you spent "committed"?

And this may be a little too forward of me but what do you think of other people, strangers and close friends, putting what they think to be an honest label on you?

[turquoise70]

What was different about the relationship you had and the week you spent "committed"?

To me, not much. It's just that the more time I spent thinking of us as "committed" as in, this is going to go on for years and it's going to be just us, the more I realized this wasn't my stop. Relationships are kind of like stops along a bus or subway line, they're all nice for different reasons but you shouldn't stay at one if it's not the one you want to stay at, and you only really know for sure which one that is when you get there. I came to see once I got into the idea that this could be my stop, that it wasn't.

And this may be a little too forward of me but what do you think of other people, strangers and close friends, putting what they think to be an honest label on you?

not sure what you mean man?

Also, update... we talked again. We yelled at each other for about an hour, then started talking more civilized. Neither of us understands the other. We both each still think we're completely in the right in the situation and completely justified in acting the way we did. He thinks I was thoughtless, I think he was an asshole. We just don't understand. We're going to try to be friends, which is what I was hoping for.

So why aren't I happy? Why am I still miserable? Why do I still just want to die? All I can think about is him, and different ways to kill myself. I wish I were dead, it's the only thought that brings me any kind of comfort. Everything else is so thoroughly fucked up.

[Shadowshocker]

maybe you should've just give it a shot from the beginning. i find the more serious you look at a relationship, the less fun it is, and the more quickly it falls apart.

of course, this coming from someone who's only been in one actual committed relationship, but still. I've fallen in love with people, and as soon as I start thinking of it like "hey i'd like to go out with you" i start treating it as it's a relationship that's supposedly gonna last the rest of my life.

using the train station example, why is it a problem of getting out at the train station stop, exploring around just for fun, and using it as a way of learning what the next stop may be.

i could learn a lot from this same concept too. it's just too much treating it as a relationship, ya know? things start looking different, and things begin to fall apart as more meaning is added to the whole situation.

like, if you had given it a shot, maybe you may have been miserable when it fell apart, but i'm sure you would've walked away with better memories, and maybe a better grasp of what you want. that being rather than just saying from the beginning, this feels wrong, so i shouldn't even step foot into it, not even to have fun.

just my two cents...

[ninetyoneplus]

Who should I ask to prom?

Hmmm....

[powershoes]

Who should I ask to prom?

a hottie with a body = )

[Treefingers]

I always feel left out at university, feeling like I'm the only virgin. That's quite a hindrance, too.