Last night I felt like I was dying and eventually as if I were inches from death but I fought it off, I thought the onsetting highness was because of my lack of sleep for the past couple days and as if nothing were real, everything was predetermined. I could see my actions 20 seconds in the future. The only reason I could remind myself that I was still alive was the fact that I could see childhood memories. Without being able to see those I would have thought I was trapped in this dream body, which felt like it was shedding with every breath. It's like someone detached my entire body every few seconds, another body growing in it's place.
It was like pins and needles only everywhere in my body and mental imagery was intense. I was being spoken to in a language indecipherable in english. I'm going to attempt to doodle out what some of the spoken words were when written down that were being said to me. Most of these words formed sentences which were deciphered by the way the shapes attached to the shape next to it.
I was so lost in my thinking. I thought I had lost all chances to live, and that this is what schizophrenia is like, and that my parents are going to see me acting like this, etc. Bad stuff to think about.
Searching deeply within myself I was finally able to find answers, and realize to myself that all of this imagery was echoes of my conscious mind and that I was just viewing the non sensicle subconscious, and that it was just the drugs that were lowering me into this experience like a breaded piece of fish into a vat of hot oil.
Before i started calming down I was convinced I was going to die if I didn't fall asleep, because for some reason I forgot that I wasn't really as sleep deprived as I thought. I thought that the trip was caused from sleep deprival, which it clearly wasn't, I was just convinced of it.
I suddenly remembered what it was like very young as a child with scarlet fever. I remembered what it was like at the peak of the madness. I remembered what it was like falling asleep at the hospital--- when you wake up and think "wow, 3 hours were over in 5 seconds" as if you had simply died and lost your memory about what happened---- well it was as if I were living in the moments that you normally would not remember. Was this the same sensation I would get when I'm dreaming, I simply forget about it? Are these forgotten dreams? Is this like what dreaming is really like?
The questions slowly sobered me up over the course of an hour or two, then I could finally fall asleep. I was getting open eye visuals of pretty nasty things, I was able to recognize that these visuals were induced by the drugs, that gained me a little bit of control. However my short term memory was so bad that I had to do this maybe a hundred times throughout the night to maintain control. I shouldn't have fought over trying to control it so much but I felt that if I didn't I was going to die. Everything made sense though. Everything, I finally knew what I was. I felt like I'd been skinned, but without pain.
In the morning I felt like a baby. I was reborn. I was given a second chance at living-- it was an amazing feeling. I'd conquered death. The times when I couldn't remember how to breathe, when I didn't know what I was in because I was looking into myself too deeply, when I couldn't figure out whether I was holding my breath or not, those times were all over, and I was born again.
No idea how much I've typed out but I just really needed to write this down somehow, hopefully this makes sense to people.